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Camoflauge Meaning
| Dark Poetry #5 |
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Camoflauge Meaning |
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Rocheal Junior Member
since 2009-03-15
Posts 25 |
Painful Memories will keep me insulted, and all escape doors are endlessly bolted. The one lonely window blocks views from afar, and beyond shattered glass stand unbreakable bars. Anger begs to escape, and I'm set free at last. But my familiar release now slips through my grasp. Unknown are the ways to unleash my pain. Surrounded by clouds, all alone in the rain. I enter the "Exit", and wander about as I search for the meaning of what life is about. Open to critique.  Thank you for reading. |
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| © Copyright 2009 Rocheal - All Rights Reserved | |||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Rocheal This is a competent poem, well written, grammatical and with no glaring beginner errors. Also you have a grasp of metaphor and the way to use it. You asked for critique so I'll go on to say that there's really only one problem with this: it's mundane, boring even. That's not a bad thing necessarily. We all write mundanely on occasions, hopefully on our way to something better and more exciting and original. And originality is the key here. Just look at the phrases you've used in your poem and indeed the overall metaphor. Escape from a prison is a very well used metaphor to describe escape from pain or loneliness or whatever, and you have used it here with all the predictable language of bars and locked doors, small windows, pain and the inevitable rhyming rain. You have the tools to write well, a good grasp of English is a great start (check spelling of camouflage though), now is the time to let your creative side free and break away from the predictable. If you have time you might have a read of this: /pip/Forum108/HTML/000219-4.html#87 All the best. M |
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