»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #4
»
visual shot
| Teen Poetry #4 |
|
visual shot |
|
kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
|
Like a porcelain vase smashed to bits and pieces Cotton pillows spread their dominance over the sky and my sight Like grassland swaying in the wind These sky waves surge forward Splashing over casually they erode away ill impurities, leaving behind contentment Like a multi-storeyed pagoda These layered clouds leave me spell-bound open-mouthed blank-minded gasping for words to adequately describe them |
||
| © Copyright 2001 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Heya Faterider.  Posting something for us whippersnappers, I see?First of all, I love the use of similies in here... how they were isolated from the rest of the poem by being solitary lines or sets of lines, not parts of the stanzas. I thought this really improved the impact created by them, I have to praise that aspect of the poem. Spacing and breaks in this poem add a lot to the flow and the feel of it... and that's what I appreciated most about it. I also liked the second to last stanza, how it utilized hyphenated words in sequence. Very clever. I'd have to say that the writing in here is not what makes it shine, rather the organization of breaks and spacing, how you built this. Suffice it to say the writing is good, but the formatting is magnificent. Well done. ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
||
|
DarkSilver Junior Member
since 2001-05-21
Posts 33Six O'clock High! |
I liked the imagery in this it was a beautiful scene, and you described it well enough that the images were easily seen in my mind. It doesn't matter who you are only who you serve. - Draken O'Larn, the Starwarrior Saga |
||
|
anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
this was nice...i enjoyed the imagery a lot...thanks for the read and hope to see more...  ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
||
|
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Welcome back!!!! It's so good to see your poetry up again. I really liked this one and I hope to see more from you!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
||
|
kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Allan, your reply left me open-mouthed...that this is coming from a person who is not afraid to speak his mind when there are improvements to be made makes me feel like i have SCORED!! i appreciate your kind words....it makes writing worthwhile DarkSilver, albert, im glad you enjoyed...imagery is a hard technique for me to apply so im glad i have succeeded with this one javier, be wary...i may stay in teens for a while and pull off a few stunts...watch out for me....  [This message has been edited by faterider (edited 05-24-2001).] |
||
|
Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
Mmm... I'd have to agree with Allan there, your timing is pretty good in this! Everything is so precisely placed, yet it feels so relaxed, and beautiful.. I think THAT'S what a good poet is.. someone who can make words speak. This poem speaks.. I mean hell, it almost breaths on it's own with a mood like that.. I enjoyed this. You must have had a great time. Nice one fate Oh yeah, what's a 'pagoda'? PS Welcome back from Vietnam Luv, Lynne “A poem is a tiny piece of the poets soul; on paper.” [This message has been edited by Yu Lan (edited 05-25-2001).] |
||
|
kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
hmmm, thinking of submitting this for Reflections |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
