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Teen Poetry #4
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Soldier's last words.
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Soldier's last words. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
A dying soldier's monologue to the victor in battle. They say that laws of nature are impersonal And even transcendental. Hatred's law now, Upon this dark and dreary planet that all Are curs'd to live upon. I ask you now, How're we to call hatred transcendental? I see it stand in front of me right now. I see, I hear, I smell what used to be. My soul's departing Hell and embarking on A journey to some place where I will see What life once was, with this my death now gone. Remember trees, remember plains, now dead. I was those things and they were me. No more. Today we've all died. Gone is life, they said The trees were in the way of troops and armour. They killed them, fire came next in, now all's dead. Now I ask of you Save that life before you die Let me be the last. |
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| © Copyright 2001 fractal007 - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
OUTSTANDING. Fractal, my friend, this is the BEST poem that I have read from you, no doubt. To the library! You did an amazing job portraying the feeling. It made me sit back and gasp... really! "Remember trees, remember plains, now dead. I was those things and they were me, no more." Your style is magnificent. The senryu at the end was an excellent conclusion and summarized the final message beautifully. You really outdid yourself here. Keep outdoing yourself, it suits you! ~_^ -Allan The unintelligent are merely tools for the intelligent. That would make my house a veritable toolshed. ~~Allan Riverwood |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Allan: Thankyou for the compliments. I decided to do something a little different on this one, namely writing the majority of it in a form that mildly conformed to the stylings of iambic pentameter. That way it reads a lot like a modern version of the ending of something like a Shakespearian tragedy. I've had the idea for this type of scene for a long time, namely for the story that I want to write about that civilization I told you about in The Past. At the end of the story, a scene like this will hopefully take place, although I don't know if there will be a monologue like this par se... I have floated this scene before, in an older poem of mine called "Reconciliation." However, that poem was not all that great. I'm glad that this one worked out much better. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I thought this was simply amazing. The ending was very powerful. The soldier hoping that he's the last to die.......stop the killing and the war......the hate and death. NIcely done frac! Yet another wonderful poem!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Amazing fractal!!! I see you've used war, soldiers, or armies in your poems a lot any particular reason? thanks for the share So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S. |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
Good theme I have to say, not sure if it really sounded like a poem while i read it, maybe i misread it? definately one of the best youve posted, and into the libe it goes! JR Life is fading me away, far away, but I’m sketching myself back, line by line, mark by mark. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Acire: Thanks for the compliments. I used to like studying military technology. In fact I used to want to join the military. But then I figured that I'd probably make a better game programmer or writer, lol. The war themes stem from the stories I conjure up about great wars that start out with honourable intentions, but end in ultimate world wide disaster. Jeremy: Thank you. How do you mean that it didn't sound like a poem? Well, I think I might know what you mean. Do you mean that it sounded more like a speech or something? if it did then I was successful[I think] in writing a dramatic monologue... |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
*bump* I think this deserves more replies. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
"I see, I hear, I smell what used to be. My soul's departing Hell and embarking on A journey to some place where I will see What life once was, with this my death now gone." This is so beautiful! This is one of the best I've read from you.. wow! This one's going right to my library. Your words are so well spoken, and the flow is excellent.. VERY nice, frac.. VERY nice!! Awesome work. --Marie subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart. |
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Linc
since 2001-03-07
Posts 552The Backstreet Boy |
Hey, I really enjoyed reading this very powerful! Keep up the great gob I am looking forward to your future works. Until your next poem -- Linc "Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment." |
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