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Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

0 posted 2001-02-11 09:51 PM

trace a pattern with your finger
cold and callous, in the stone
taunt the hatchling at the crossroad
on the outside, cold, alone
curl up, shiver, in your garment
chew on lint and broken bone
dream of love and meadows green
fork the hatchling, eat his spleen

twisted, is your mind, and broken
corridors, in flatline, bend
take a minute, touch the stone wall
make a sound, an outcry send
trace a pattern with your finger
draw a circle at its end
smile and show it off to mother
traced in dust, as every other

rattle bars of solid metal
with your frail, malnourished hands
trace a pattern with your finger
in the fragments, skins and sands
eye the residents of freedom
gathering, as one, in bands
watch them in a vengeful glare
and perchance an infant scare

falling in, like falling backward
landing in a festered bed
cozy in the dead nutrition
close your eyes, admire the red
hatchling corpse, your childhood teddy
cuddly skins, so lovely, dead
trace a pattern with your finger
let the truths in patterns linger

jeremydraul
Senior Member

since 2000-08-01

Posts 1118
State of Despair

1 posted 2001-02-11 09:53 PM

hmmmm, you like to kill brain cells dont you? VERY VERY good details and descriptions here!!! prolly one of ur best bro, keep it up and thanks for posting a long one!

Jeremy

"I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. -William Faulkner (Noble Prize Speech.)

Angel in Flight
Member

since 2001-01-07

Posts 381

2 posted 2001-02-11 10:02 PM

WONDERFUL POEM!!!!! One of your best I must say. You are a genius, Allan. The imagry and vocabulary used is exquisite. This has to be one of the best poems I have ever read in all of passions, if not the best in my life.
Great read!!! And ,Allan, I want a short one.. Just kidding. Love always~*~ Amanda~*~

Keep searching, we are here, you only have to find us.~ Amanda

HiddenSparklez
Member

since 2000-12-29

Posts 190
British Columbia, Canada

3 posted 2001-02-11 10:51 PM

Best poem I've read so far (which isn't much LOL). The words are definetly touching... made me frown.

Just cuz I was thinking about how strong the poem really was. Greeeeaaaaaaaaaaat job!

"You do what you do, you say what you say, you try to be everything to everyone... come on now, do that stupid dance for me" -Everclear

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-02-12 06:31 PM

I can safetly say i enjoyed this poem greatly......One thing I didn't like about it though was the last two verses of each stanza.......ababcc....it's a personal opinion of mine, i never really liked that sort of scheme.....
But.....you worded this wonderfully, one of your best yet.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Lakewalker
Member Elite

since 2000-08-05

Posts 3289
On the streets w/ people

5 posted 2001-02-12 06:42 PM

This one is worded so well, excellent job on it.

"Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker
http://www.thehungersite.com

StarPryncess17
Senior Member

since 2000-05-31

Posts 932
Colorado

6 posted 2001-02-12 11:25 PM

WOW!! My new favorite of yours!!! SO wonderfully worded and self-expressed!! You have a thing with words that I admire! damn, you are just so descriptive!! MAGNIFICENT!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for sharing!!
~*~Jesilyn~*~

"Tell me why you cry"

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

7 posted 2001-02-13 02:12 PM

Allan, you have brightened my dull school day. I'm in reading class right now, but we're not doing anything. Anyways. this is really good. c-ya later!
allysa

I wish people would stop telling me that I can do anything I want to. I never thought that I couldn't.

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

8 posted 2001-02-14 01:09 PM

Quite impressive. The rhyme scheme was well done. It seemed to have a little too many commas, though.

I liked the transitions. They worked quite well. Of the poems of yours I've read, I must say that this is probably the best. Keep up the good work.

Child of the Stars

Senior Member

since 2000-09-07

Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI

9 posted 2001-02-15 03:25 PM

Allan, you're amazing. I've read this about 38 or more times, and each time I find a new image sparking into my mind...I would kill for a piece like this. Stay you.

~Carly

"Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy." (Nora Ephron)

Greeneyes617
Member

since 2000-11-22

Posts 329
Arkansas

10 posted 2001-02-15 05:17 PM

This was wonderful. I always love reading your work. You are so talented. I really like the words you used. Kudos.

sweetstuff101
Member

since 2000-07-27

Posts 375
OK, USA

11 posted 2001-02-15 05:25 PM

Really good!! This really is impressive! That eating the spleen thing....I didn't quite get that...but then again there are a lot of things I don't get **blonde**
Awesome poem, great job! Keep it up!!

Much Luv,
~*~S*W*E*E*T*S*T*U*F*F~*~

How come it is so easy for a person to say "I hate you," but it is so difficult for someone to say "I love you" and really mean it????

Andrea4writes
Junior Member

since 2000-12-03

Posts 31
Fayetteville, NC USA

12 posted 2001-02-15 05:55 PM

this was a realy awsome poem of yours i found another fav of mine keep it up and good luck righting~!!!

<3Andrea ~luvs~ Anthony,<3

You only live once so live it to the fullest..
Love comes and goes but friends stay for ever~!~!~!~!~!

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

13 posted 2001-04-27 03:53 PM

this needs 2 be on page one..

awesome poem..man..
great job on this poem..
everything worked well..
keep writing

...?

death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. -norman cousins

fozzyozzy
Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia

14 posted 2001-04-27 10:34 PM

Where do you get the words? Excellent poem in so many ways. I can't begin to describe how... pretty twisted i guess (lol) You make me so jealous of writing ability, keep it up

"The heart can think of no devotion
Greater than being shore to ocean
Holding the curve of one position
Counting an endless repetition"
Robert Fr

Elvenblood
Member

since 2001-02-17

Posts 409
Maine, USA

15 posted 2001-04-28 08:38 AM

Well, I'm not QUITE sure what it's about, but I think I have it! lol but it's a great work, probably like everyone else said the best I've seen from you. Again, great vocabulary. Anyway,m great work! it's going into my library!

No angels in heaven nor demons below the sea, could ever dissever my soul from the soul of the beautiful Annabel Lee

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

16 posted 2001-04-29 11:49 PM

whoas!
tiff

“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

"at the touch of love anyone becomes a poet"

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

17 posted 2001-05-01 12:43 PM

Thanks for pulling this back up, Albert. Another oldie, but goodie!

This poem is beautiful, Allan. Just another poem that shows off how talented you are. VERY nice work.. this one's going to my library.
I enjoyed this quite a bit..

--Marie

subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart.

Linc

Senior Member

since 2001-03-07

Posts 552
The Backstreet Boy

18 posted 2001-05-01 12:46 PM

Hey,

Superb as usual thats all I have to say because every poem of your is superb and I don't want to sound repetitious so enough said. Until your next poem

-- Linc

"Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment."

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