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A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Phoebus' Wrath |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Cont'd from: /pip/Forum28/HTML/001899.html Phoebus Apollo heard his prayer And hastened down Olympus fair. The silver bow his shoulders graced His quiver with its ends encased, His arrows rattling with his wrath, As like the night he made his path. Then, from the ships, he sat apart, And from afar dispatched a dart. Therewith, the bow aloud and clear Twanged ominously to the ear! It struck swift dogs and mules at first, And then the Grecian army cursed. So many then were stricken sick And e'er the pyres of dead burnt thick. Nine days the fatal arrows flew Stinging the army through and through; Till on the tenth, Achilles strong, To council called the Grecian throng, By whitearmed Hera thus inclined, Who mourned their loss, and moved his mind. When gathered were the Grecian folk, Achilles, swift of foot, upspoke: "O Atreus' son, I think and say We wandered far to turn away, If now such death we would outrun Subdued, by war and plague as one. But come, and let us truly ask Some prophet or some priest the task, Or dreamteller, indeed, to tell, - For dreams are sprung from Zeus, as well - Why angry Phoebus deals such doom, If for some vow or hecatomb, If lambs' savour or pure goats' may His wrath, our ruin, turn away." Thus spoke Achilles to the men And settled in his seat again. Then, of all seers, Calchas, the best, Arose, who knew all in his breast, All things that were, in insight bore, That yet to be and that before; That, with his gift from Phoebus, led The ships of Greeks to Ilios' stead. With good intent the seer fullblest The Greek assembly thus addressed: "Achilles, wilt thou I reveal, Phoebus' wrath, causes unconceal? Therefore I will, but swear to stand, By me, with words and helping hand. For truly one, I ween, with sway O'er Greeks shall loathe the sooth I say. A king shall rage and mightier can When lording o'er a lesser man. And swallows rage one day, but next, Still secretly his heart is vexed. And, bitterness, his breast holds fast, Until he wreaks revenge at last. If thou wilt save me, give thy word, To shield me if distaste be stirred." |
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carter07 Junior Member
since 2007-04-26
Posts 31 |
This is brilliant. It tells a story, it flows well, its just superb! I love it. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Thanks Carter. Remember though, this forum is for critique, not just praise. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Alot of it is inverted rhymes and it mostly sounds alright but some parts I was reading through it and was thinking, this doesn't make sense, I wouldnt talk this way. Also there are parts when I was reading that seemed you took out words grammar oriented to make it fit in a rhyme scheme, or they just didn't appear. I mean I can't see you actualy taking out words just for the rhyme scheme but some sentences read that way. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Rhia, Can you refer to the specific parts that you found fault with? |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I decided to put this part in here as well. This was the most difficult. Cont'd from /pip/Forum28/HTML/001908.html#0 Therewith, Achilles, swift of foot, Thus to the Seer his answer put: "In courage, by all means, impart The oracles that fill thy heart. As by Apollo thou wilt pray, And now the sooth prophetic say, So by Apollo, word I give That while on earth I look and live None by our hollow ships shall stand To put on thee a heavy hand; Nor e'en, of Atreus' son to speak, He, that boasts him the greatest Greek!" The blameless Seer, enhearted then, Spoke and declared among the men: "'Tis nor for vow nor hecatomb That angry Phoebus deals such doom, But for the insult lately done To Phoebus' priest by Atreus' son, When he the daughter ne'er released Nor took the ransoms from the priest. For this, Fardarter bent his bow And sent upon the Greeks such woe. Nor will he heavy hands of plight, Withhold, until we act aright; The brighteyed maid to Chrysa bear Unransomed, to the father's care, And holy hecatombs donate To mend the wrong and end the hate." This having spoken to the men The Seer resumed his seat again. Then Atreus' son the Grecian chief, That held wide rule arose in grief. His mood with melancholic ire, His eyes on blaze as shining fire, He first on Calchas evilly eyed Then to the Seer he thus replied: "O Seer of evils! Yet I ne'er Heard thee foretell of something fair. Inclined to speak the foul, though skilled, Thy prophecies are unfulfilled. And now to Greeks thou wilt impart For this, Fardarter dealt his dart; Since I would o'er the gifts and gold Rather the beauteous daughter hold, Whom I prefered, upon my life, To Clytemnestra, my own wife. For she in nothing proves the less In beauty, mind or skillfulness. E'en so, I will give back the maid, If better for our common aid. For I would rather Greeks be hale Than see them fall and fate prevail. But place anon another prize To compensate my sacrafice, That I should not be left as lord The only Greek without reward. That would be wrong when all ye see My prize is bound away from me." Divine Achilles, swift of foot, Thus to the chief his answer put: "Most glorious Atreus' son, indeed, Most glorious and most full of greed! How shall the greatheart Grecian crew Provide for thee a prize anew? We know not of a gathered hoard Where yet a common wealth is stored, But all we took from plundered lands Is dealt among the Grecian bands. And wrong would be and too unfair To take back their alotted share. But to the god and his decree Send forth the maid and let her free. And three and fourfold, Greeks indeed, In recompense shall make thy meed If Zeus e'er grant for us the joy To sack the wellwalled town of Troy." [This message has been edited by Essorant (05-09-2007 01:43 AM).] |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
[ ]= the phrases that with the inverted read a little off or made me stumble when I read it. *= the parts I just really liked, there are too many , so I just mentioned a couple of them. I like the use of language in particular and the reference to dreams and gods. ( )=delete Phoebus Apollo heard his prayer And hastened down Olympus fair. The silver bow his shoulders graced His quiver with (its) ends encased, His arrows rattling with his wrath, [As like the night he made his path.] *Nine days the fatal arrows flew Stinging the army through and through; Till on the tenth, Achilles strong, To council called the Grecian throng,* Just really liked that part, my favorite bit in the entire thing, it went together really well and the rythmn worked [By whitearmed Hera thus inclined] Achilles, swift of foot,[ upspoke:] "O Atreus' son, I think and say [Some prophet or some priest the task,] *Or dreamteller, indeed, to tell,* *All things that were, in insight bore, That yet to be and that before;* [That, with his gift from Phoebus, led] [Phoebus' wrath, causes unconceal?] |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Thanks for letting me know, Rhia. Most of those lines I felt better and worse about as well. "Causes unconceal" seemed so crafty at the time, but now it seems so clumsy. My words and I will discuss these matters, and see if we can come to a compromise for the better  |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Cont'd from: /pip/Forum28/HTML/001908.html#5 Lord Agamemnon, e'er with pride, Then to Achilles thus replied: "Dare not this way, though brave thou art, To steal in mind and bend my heart. For thou mayst not surpass my will Nor thus persuade me with thy skill. Intendest thou with prize to stand While I should sit with empty hand Bidden to send my prize away, That mine should go, but thine should stay? But let the Grecian greathearts bring A recompense fit for a king, Or I shall thine or Ajax' meed Or else Odysseus' seize if need; And whom I come upon in path, Doubt not, shall rage with bitter wrath. But, set aside, for now, this care. Anon, a swarty ship prepare, To draw on heav'nly sea with speed, With rowers full as we may need. A hecatomb therein conveyed, Then let ascend the faircheek maid. Let someone welladvised command, Ajax, Idomeneus, o'erstand, Divine Odysseus, thither draw, Or thou Achilles, most of awe, That having holy rites welldone, Thou mayst appease Fardarting One." |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
A recompense fit for a king, * I think you should change it to fit for kings because the a takes away the sway and the feeling also kings implies more than one king which fits the poem better because there is Priam and all the different kings of greece. Or else Odysseus' seize if need; *This line still inverted is off, odd one out the rest is pretty good and the revision is quite nice, just this line kinda felt weird reading it. |
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