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Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

0 posted 2007-04-18 08:01 AM

This is a somewhat loose translation and paraphrase of the beginning of Homer's Iliad. Any critique would be much appreciated. Thanks.

Sing, Muse, the wrath of Peleus' son
Whence myriad griefs to Greeks were done;
Many high souls to Hades slipped
Whose corpses curs and ravens ripped;
But thus accomplished and fulfilled
What Zeus above divinely willed.
Since Agamemnon, men's lordling,
And Achilles contended, sing!

Now tell of gods which god was it
That would these two in strife unknit?
'Twas Zeus' and Leto's son in spite
That shot the army with a plight,
When Agamemnon wronged his priest,
And darts of dire and death increased.
For he, the priest, Chryses by name
To Grecian ships imploring came
With ransoms rich, with gifts unfew,
To free his daughter from their crew.
And in his grip, on golden rod,
He showed the ribbons of his god.
Then urged them all, but most bespoke
The brother-leaders of their folk:
"May they on Olympus, indeed,
Grant you Troy's fall and homeward speed!
Alas! But let my dear child be
By ransom now returned to me,
In reverence to Apollo, hark,
That shoots from far and finds his mark."
A shout from Greeks agreement told
To honour him and what he sold.
But Agamemnon, thence displeased,
A hard commandment gave the priest:
"Let me thee never find again
By Grecian vessels anywhen
To linger lest thy staff from strife
And ribbons fail to save thy life.
This maiden I will not unbind
Ere wintry age around her wind,
In Argos, in our house, she stand
Far from her native nest and land
And by the loom a-pacing tread,
And share my bour and share my bed.
Hence old man, no more anger me
And safer may it fare for thee."

The old man fearful and dismayed
The king's contumelious words obeyed.
Then silently along the shore
He trode, and heard the billows roar,
Whenas at length apart he strayed
To fair haired Leto's son he prayed:
"O hark me thou of silver bow,
Whose aid Chryse and Cilla know,
That rulest Tenedos with might,
O Smintheus, hear a father's fright.
If e'er thy temple I bedecked
With garlands showing my respect,
Burned fat of cattle over years,
Let arrows now avenge my tears!

(to be continued)

[This message has been edited by Essorant (04-20-2007 01:29 AM).]

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

1 posted 2007-04-20 04:31 PM

Well, I guess you could always set it to music...

This sort of sing-song approach is not to my taste, which means absolutely nothing in the long or short run, but the thought of reading thousands of rhymed couplets in tetrameter is a bit mind boggling.

Again, and just for me, a few of these couplets hit home, but most don't.  This is not a comment on the accuracy of your self described "transliteration," which of course gives you great freedom.  Is this, though, a transliteration from the Greek?  Greek is truly Greek to me, so there is no way I can know.

I've included some googled quotes of the first five to ten lines for comparison of your approach by other readers.  The first two, unfortunately, were not attributed on the sites -- which, I think, wanted to sell me a term paper...  The second two are attributed to the appropriate author.

At the very least, I admire your courage.

Jim

Alternative approaches by other authors:

1.

"Sing, goddess, of Achilles ruinous anger
Which brought ten thousand pains to the Achaeans,
And cast the souls of many stalwart heroes
To Hades, and their bodies to the dogs
And birds of prey." Lines 1-5

2.

"Rage - Goddess, sing the rage of Peleus' son Achilles,
murderous, doomed, that cost the Achaeans countless losses
hurling down to the House of Death so many sturdy souls,
great fighter's souls, but made their bodies carrion
feats for the dogs and birds
and the will of Zeus was moving towards its end." Book 1, lines 1-6

3.

Sing, O goddess, the anger of Achilles son of Peleus, that brought countless ills upon the Achaeans. Many a brave soul did it send hurrying down to Hades, and many a hero did it yield a prey to dogs and vultures, for so were the counsels of Jove fulfilled from the day on which the son of Atreus, king of men, and great Achilles, first fell out with one another.  -- Samuel Butler

4.

Sing, Goddess, sing of the rage of Achilles, son of Peleus—
that murderous anger which condemned Achaeans
to countless agonies and threw many warrior souls
deep into Hades, leaving their dead bodies
carrion food for dogs and birds—
all in fulfillment of the will of Zeus.
Start at the point where Agamemnon, son of Atreus,
that king of men, quarreled with noble Achilles.
Which of the gods incited these two men to fight? -- Ian Johnston.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

2 posted 2007-04-23 12:55 PM

Thanks for your comments.

This is a loose translation from the Greek itself. I used the word "Muse" to translate Θεα [Thea] instead of a literal translation,"Goddess". The goddess being invoked is the muse, and muse fits much better into the compactness of the form. Same with Greeks instead of Achaeans. However, I am beginning to dislike lines three and four. I gave into a desire to use alliterative words. But I'm thinking of simply changing for better accuracy to:

"Many knights' souls to Hades sent
Whose corpses dogs and preybirds rent"

(rent = past tense of rend)

Here is the Greek text of the first seven lines. As you can see the wordorder is a bit different in Greek.

(The all in "to preybirds and all" is actually modifying the word "preybirds", the phrase literally means "and all prey birds")

Μηνιν αειδε , Θεα ,  Πηληιαδεω  Αχιληος
Menin   aeide,   Thea,    Peleiadeo     Achileos
  |       |        |         |            |
Wrath   sing,   Goddess, of Peleus' son  Achilles

ουλομενην,'η μυρι' Αχαιοις   αλγε' εθηκε  
oulomenen,   he  myri'   Achaios     alge'  etheke,
  |           |     |        |         |       |
destroying, that myriad  to Achaeans griefs placed,

πολλας δ' ιφθιμους ψυχας   Αιδι προιαψεν
pollas   d' iphthimous  psychas   Aidi   proiapsen
  |      |       |        |        |        |     
Many   also  valiant   souls   to Hades foresent

ηρωων,  αυτους   δε  ελωρια τευχε κυνεσσιν
Heroon,   autous     d'   eloria   teuche  kynessin
  |        |          |       |      |      |
of heros, themselves  but  spoil  made  for dogs

οιωνοισι τε  πασι,  Διος   δ'  ετελειτο βουλη 
oinoisi    te   pasi,    Dios     d'   eteleito   boule,
   |         |    |      |        |       |         |
To preybirds and all, (of) Zeus' though was fulling will

εξ 'ου   δη    τα πρωτα διαστητην ερισαντε
ex   ou    de      ta prota    diasteten   erisante
 |    |     |       |    |        |          |
from when indeed (at)the first  stood-apart having-contended

Ατρειδης τε αναξ ανδρων και διος Αχιλλευς
Atreides   te  anax   andron  kai  dios  achilleus
   |        |     |      |     |    |       |
Atreus'son both, lord of men, and  noble achilles

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

3 posted 2007-04-23 03:09 PM

Hi -- It's great to encounter a learned man! I've often regretted not having a grounding in classical languages, but I was too foolish to take advantage of the useful aspects of the education that was available to me.

Because I can only approach Homer through translations, a fact admitted upfront, I wasn't trying to comment of the accuracy of your, or any of the other examples.

Best, Jim

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

4 posted 2007-04-30 12:43 PM

Thanks again for your comments. I hope you may take a look at this amendment. I reworked some lines pursuing both better accuracy and grace, and hope they read much better.

Sing, Muse, the wrath of Peleus' son
Whence myriad griefs to Greeks were done;
Many brave souls to Hades slipped
Whose corpses dogs and preybirds ripped;
But thus accomplished and fulfilled
What Zeus above divinely willed.
Since Agamemnon, men's lordling,
And Achilles contended, sing!

And who of gods, together threw,
To fight in strife, these noble two?
'Twas Zeus' and Leto's son in spite
That sent the host a sickly plight
When Agamemnon wronged his priest,
And death among the throng increased.
For he, the priest, Chryses by name
To Grecian ships imploring came
With ransoms rich, with gifts unfew,
To free his daughter from their crew.
And in his grip, on golden rod,
He showed the garland of his god.
Then urged them all, but most bespoke
The brother-leaders of their folk:
"Ye lords and Greeks wellgreaved and bold,
May they that homes Olympian hold,
Troy give you to destroy, indeed,
And send you safely home with speed!
Alas! But let my dear child be
By ransom now returned to me,
In reverence to Apollo, hark,
That shoots from far and finds his mark."
The other Greeks exclaim one mind
To honour him and gifts so kind,
But Agamemnon, thence displeased,
A hard commandment gave the priest:
"May I thee never find again
By Grecian vessels anywhen
To linger lest thy staff from strife
And garlands fail to save thy life.
This maiden I will not unbind
Ere hoary age around her wind
In Argos, in our house, she stand
Far from her native life and land
And by the loom a-pacing tread,
And share my bour and share my bed.
Hence old man, no more anger me
And safer may it fare for thee."

The old man fearful and dismayed
The king's contumelious words obeyed.
Then silently along the shore
He trode, and heard the billows roar.
When far enough apart he strayed,
To fair haired Leto's son he prayed:
"Hark me bearer of silver bow,
And these my words and prayer in woe;
Thou god whose guardships overstand
Chrysa and holy Cilla's land,
That rulest Tenedos with might,
O Smintheus, of celestial light,
If e'er thy temple fair I decked
In dedication and respect,
If e'er with bulls' or goats' fat thighs
I made the fires and fumes arise
Grant this to me, so old of years:
That arrows may avenge my tears!"

[This message has been edited by Brad (10-12-2007 06:42 PM).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 2007-10-12 06:43 PM

Ess asked me to make a few changes here. Thought I'd pop it up.

At the very least, need to make sure I made the right changes.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

6 posted 2007-10-12 09:47 PM

Those are the right changes (line 12 and line 25). Thanks very much Brad.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

7 posted 2007-10-12 10:53 PM

Brad

Can you send this thread back down so it is not near the top of the list?

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