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Critical Analysis #2
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Pearls (Revised)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Pearls (Revised) |
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tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent 
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I thought I was looking for a diamond... and that was what I found. Funny, it was just lying around... Hmmm...I wonder... Is this man really meant for me? Isn't this love supposed to be something hard to find? Then maybe, just maybe, this my diamond after all. Maybe this is just a worthless pebble on the ground. With the same characteristics of a diamond. But only in physique not at heart. Perhaps, I'm not looking for this perfection after all, maybe a pearl is meant for me. Something not too grand. But something with intrinsic beauty. Only too well disguised and overlooked. Now that I've thought about it, something's telling me that all along, a pearl has been meant for me. It is hard to find true love but when you do... it is a pearl. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
It is alot better but it could still use more metaphor try hinting at it being a diamond or pearl , and tell at the end. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I will come back to this. I still think it needs much more work. [This message has been edited by Essorant (11-08-2006 12:54 AM).] |
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tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent |
ahhhh its hard! thanks though |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Yes, it is. But it is a bit more awkward and difficult without a stable foundation to work upon. Below is a challenge that includes giving some regulation to the structure of your poem and that I think may make a wellseen improvement if it is taken up: * Rewrite this idea in four or five stanzas. * Make sure every stanza has only four lines. * Make sure every line has only eight syllables. * Make sure every sentence includes more than one line. * Rhyme may or may not be included. I hope this challenge is worthy. Bonam Fortunam |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
That challenge sounds familiar. I got one like that, but with tad differences. I forget who gave that to me, I think it was Grinch or you Essorant |
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Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669Michigan, US |
Yea, but what does the challenge have to do with this poem? |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Ron- I think that the challenge may help the writer, and it give us watching at home something to try. I had never tried this type of meter (yeah I know how that sounds). I'm somewhat please with my creation. And if this is a workshop, do we only have to learn from the things we have written? thanks Ess. CS |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
It actually helps, it gave me a better idea of what a set syalable count really was. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Nevermind. I doubt she will ever come back to this thread. |
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tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent |
'scuse me? i come back and yes i will attemt your challenge. our choir was busy this past week and will be next week after ... i will come back to it. im not a quitter and i posted it in this forum for a reason. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
First of all (and second, actually) I am a huge fan of conversational style poetry and a huge fan of pearls.  <--huh? Nod. My third critique tonight and you are the only one I have admitted bias for.Pearls..you had me at hello. The Pearl phenomenon is a living metaphor. There you have a living breathing creature (yer oyster) that takes an irritant and deliberately patiently coats it and makes a jewel out of it. That's not just a nice metaphor, it's a great philosophy! I love the idea, but you lost me in translation. Your opening was indeed conversational, but confusing. And then you made a grand leap from precious stone and semi-precious stone to...men. And hey? I'm forty five years old and jaded, so yeah, I could see how that could happen! (just a little more sequeway maybe?) The leap to your second verse didn't work for me. "Hmmm...I wonder... Is this man really meant for me?" This sounds like a question for a pendulum, but there's so much great stuff to be used when you use either diamonds (compressed carbon) or pearls (lacquered irritants) that I would love to see something a little more linear that weaves the two together. Nice metaphors, both. The problem is you have two great metaphors and I am not doubting you can't weave a great necklace with both--but I think it would be great if you isolated them, and created a relationship between them, before linking them, just as a jeweler would a fine necklace. (Perhaps you could be the diamond, and him the pearl?) I dunno. Just suggestions. But working with what you've written--I love the message either way--but the choice of a pearl lends you many many metaphorical roads, as it indicates that you would put effort into your relationship. I like that much. I think you have what I call "good bones" here. I am a huge fan of conversational writing, but I think you might want to reign that in just a tad and put a little more rhythm into your free verse. Take the same ideas, but talk to yourself a bit, and then let us "eavesdrop". (there's a lot of people here who would argue that method--and I promise you, most of 'em use that same method themselves.) I hope I get to see this one fine-tuned lovie. Thanks for sharing. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Karen got there before me. I was pretty much going to say the same thing she said. I would add that the Pearl (From the Gawain poet to Steinbeck) is the more interesting metaphor of the two. |
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tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent |
well it had started out being how I was looking for a perfect man and really thats not what I need. I need something inperfect. ... i dunno thats kinda on the lines i wrote it but I am in the process of doing the challenge I had most of it done last night when my computer died. 1 Timothy 4:12 |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I'm glad to hear you are interested in the challenge. But I hope you wait until you have much time to work on it very carefully; more than just a few minutes, but a few hours to work on it as carefully as possible. That is the kind of dedication it takes to write a good poem. If it is worth doing it is worth doing well. Take your time |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
If one wrote a revision of this piece along the lines of Essorant's challenge, where would one post said revision? CS |
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tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent |
I was gonna just post it here as a comment... I think thats what to do...? |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
TOL- I basically took Ess's challenge as one for anybody and did a rewrite of your piece. I completely admit that it can be seen as a huge form of plagerism, but I thought it might be fun to give it a whack. I typically write more conversational poetry like you, so this is way out of my comfort zone, but it may help. I was looking for a diamond on the floor or desk, very cheap, but rare all the same, luckily. A diamond whith a name; a face. Could it be scarce found or was I really worth something so refined? I should take leave from the diamond; instead, I'll look for a pearl to love. Ev'ryone loves a diamond, but I will love a pearl, I think. For a stone that breaks is better then one that cuts. Cuts lines on a surface soft as a peal's bed at night where my pearl will sleep soundly clear through the night where I hear the voice saying, "The pearl is for you." Who am I if I can't love, What am I if I can't hate, and what is the result when I can't tell the difference? Dane Barner |
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tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent |
Christian thank you this actually helped alot. I will probably be putting my revision on here late next week or so. Just as soon as I get caught up on my classes. we took a five hour drive to Austin today and sang at the Southern Baptist Convention and heard the govornor speak so missing classes wasnt good. ill get to it soon though. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
CS, Good try. It meets the physical structure well enough, but it just doesn't read with a very good flow. I think that is a combination of things: some weakness in sentence-structure and wording, and some weakness in metricalness. I think a casually conversing "tone" of voice should be avoided in a more regulated form, and also ending lines on such words as "was I" "at" "better" "the" and then putting the word it strongly goes with in the next line (worth, night, than). I think minimizing the "conversational" tone and wording, and making sure words such as "was I worth" "better than" etc go together in the same line, may make this work much better. Thanks for sharing. This may be a good whetstone to help sharpen tearsoflove's response. [This message has been edited by Essorant (11-19-2006 12:53 AM).] |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Thanks for the comment, Ess. I am not comfortable with this form, but it was a good chance to give something a try. I have a whole laundry list of things to ask, but getting the focus back to TOL, hopefully it helped. What is this form called? CS |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
It is an example of Syllabic Verse. Anything that is more regulated in structure doesn't usually offer comfort on the first try. It takes practice just like learning how to paint or carve or sculpt. The more you practice the more your instincts may lean naturally toward it and your mind find ease and comfort therewith. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
The tortoise wins the race  |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
My wrinkles grow, my hair turns gray I but await that golden day When tearsoflove's revision's come To please mine heart in all its sum! |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
Holy jumpin catfish. |
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