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Critical Analysis #2
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Gravity.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Gravity. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. 
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The world is still turning Even though I think that sometimes You think that I Should just abandon Gravity And its limitations. |
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| © Copyright 2007 Paul Weisbrod - All Rights Reserved | |||
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
????? where is the constructive Criticism? You make me sad! Haha, any comments? Please? Valedictions, -Paul |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I like the idea. I just think there's a lot more you can do with it. It seems to be in that middle ground between minimalism and a proper description. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Absolutely. I agree with that. I may or may not add to it, depending on what comes when I try to do so. In the meantime, Anyone? |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
I like the concept, but think you're not giving full-reign to your imagination here. The opening line for instance, it's a tell, not a show line. Why not something like - The sun's spokes of light still spin the world round. Know what I mean, something a bit more creative? Also, this part here could use some compression, it's very awkward syntax - Even though I think that sometimes You think that I... It could just be - Even though you may think that I... I like the ending, could read it as optimistic or as a pessimist - take-off and fly and succeed, or maybe just kill yourself. ( or maybe become an astronaut.) Interesting read as usual. Regards, sampo. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Good message, it gets "twisty" between the last line of S1 and the first line of S2. What are you going for here. It seems you have changed your style to this new contemplative format. I like it, but what are you going for? Dane |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Sampo- Thank you very much. I hope you'll read the next poem I want to put up. CS- Thanks. I'm not particularly sure. I'm slowly allowing more and more poetry to just... come out. And then i work on the raw material a little bit. Shave off what I see as extra. Sometimes it just turns out like this. Thanks all around, any more? -Paul |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
I like this a lot! It doesn't feel contrived. |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
I liked it. While reading it, I didn't get the impression you were trying to write it. It reads well. |
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Roysie Member
since 2007-08-05
Posts 102Canada |
I'm spinnin...I think it's great. Just shows that one doesn't have to say a lot to make a big impression. |
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