Wind a Wanderings (freeverse)

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Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

0 posted 2003-11-07 01:44 PM

Wind a Wanderings

The wind a wanderings,
The breath of life,
Stretched
On airy swaths
Of endless flight,
Is busy--
Forever pitched
To ruffle through
Allday and night.
She birth a bosom
A myriad stirrings broad
On the seafathom
At the landfruit
And to all kind's creatures
Caressing.

What might her lust not on chime
And at flutter,
Now what may it yet not inspire,
Allpresent as a god
And as a god uneyeseen?

She clothes the world
All in herself.

[This message has been edited MOST GRACEFULLY by Essorant (11-05-2003 09:50 PM).]

[This message has been edited by Essorant (11-07-2003 02:11 PM).]

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

1 posted 2003-11-07 02:29 PM

Ess... read this 4 times and while I find no fault of consequence with the form or the idea, kept stumbling on the line

She birth a bosom

and was not sure what indeed it added to the whole.
now it may very well be my own befuddled brain today... but somehow if I read past the line..ksipped it..the whole seemed to be a bit more concise and I lost nothing of the imagery..

just my two pennies worth

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2003-11-08 04:45 PM

I can't quite agree with Ron on that line. I think it does add but it sounds ill-formed. I don't quite get your real intent. Perhaps a slight rewording would help me anyway.

I think allday shoud be two words, particularly since you also are applying all to night in the same line.

You also have me wondering on "kind's creatures." Why the possessive?

This a nice. It could be an extended metaphor or it could just be a tribute to the wind. Either way, it works for me if you can clear up those confusing parts.

Thanks,
Pete

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

3 posted 2003-11-09 12:57 PM

Cpat Hair, Not A Poet et alii,

Thank you for seeing to my piece.
"Birth" in the tenth line is the thirdperson singular present of "bear,": "beareth" spelt uncorrectly for a little accent and confusion. It would be against the privy rules if I didn't break a rule in free vers

"all kind's creatures" This was to put more emphasis on the "creatures" instead of "kinds of creatures" And I thought it felt a bit better overall.
The flow is feels awry though. I'm not sure how I may fix that. I am a bit depressed of late and perhaps that is what won't let me keep a "free" flow, the kind that I was seeking with this. If anyone of you liked it a bit you may have it and do bettering with it. Thank you again for reading and commenting.

Essorant

[This message has been edited by Essorant (11-09-2003 10:16 AM).]

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