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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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iwontdrownagain Junior Member
since 2003-10-04
Posts 39Massachusetts |
Here is a poem for you guys. I have been very bus with work, so I have had no time to post. Hope you like it. I got the idea while brushing my teeth. Haha. Enjoy ~Lynn Compose Compose a piece of music That has no melody, no tune. Tell me how many people will listen And sing along. Write a 900-page novel With no plot, no archetype. Show me the stats that say it will be read And it's Newbury Book Award. Jot down a poem With no structure, no meaning And I guarantee it will get negative attention And bad reviews. Now think of these as people. What would become of someone if they Had no melody, no tune? They would be the loners of the world, Ignored because they don't go with the flow. The ones with no base, no storyline, nothing in common with anyone. These, my not-so-dear friends, are the wallflowers, the rejects. The ones the pretty people spit on Because Dave Matthews isn't part of their CD collection. A psychologist might say those with no structure, no direction in life Came from broken homes, were beaten or molested Sorry, Doc, that isn't always the case. There are these things called bullies. They beat people up, make fun and pound self-esteem to a pulp. It's not easy being a song with no rhythm, A novel with no plot. A poem with no structure. These people…victims… don't deserve To be smacked around, chewed up and spit out. It's not fun. It's not deserved. It's all for the hell of it, no reason. Just fuel for the power trip that helps them get off. [This message has been edited by iwontdrownagain (11-05-2003 07:47 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Lynn Moynahan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
truthfully, i really kinda dug this. i like the set up and i like the idea. the only thing that doesn't work for me is the obscure allusion to stephen king, i had no clue what that meant and thing the poem would be a thousand times better without it. allusions work better when they're not so obscure i think, i mean king's famous and all but...basically i don't think it's necessary. bump. "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
bump |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
What reference to Stephen King? Hey iwontdrown... Before I address the poem here, I'd like to say that I empathize with it. I know these frustrations, the ones you are addressing here, and it's not fun. As far as the poem goes... it seems to me that what you are trying to express is something that a lot of people (a lot of teens, though I waon't assume your age) go through. There are a lot of people who don't feel like they fit in... sometimes even the "pretty people" you refer to. I think your metaphors about the plotless novel, the tuneless music (some people would claim that Nirvana fit that bill, and they were a smash) and the poem were very appropriate as an expression here. But the thing that I want to say is this: It's a person's responsibility to build a plot, a meaning, a rhythm with life. That doesn't mean they have to be in sync with everyone else, but walking to your own beat is still walking. It's movement and growth... noone is entirely static, directionless, and purposeless. And I think here, you are making walking to your own beat something more alienating than it needs to be. For example: 'These, my not-so-dear friends, are the wallflowers, the rejects. The ones the pretty people spit on Because Dave Matthews isn't part of their CD collection.' First of all, knock it off. You want the reader to empathize with this, when you're flat out calling me a 'not-so-dear friend'? You're setting yourself up for the exact same rebuttals that your poem is prtesting. Second of all, the term pretty people, to me, gives an implication that all people who are with that popular, well-dressed group that everyone know in high school are cruel. Some people can be cruel, this is true, but when you are writing about these people, you really have to be careful not to sound prejudiced toward a certain social group, but that's exactly what you sound like here. I speak from experience here when I say that treating someone (just about anyone) with common courtesy will get you the same in return. It's not always the case, especially in high school, but it gets better with time. 'There are these things called bullies. They beat people up, make fun and pound self-esteem to a pulp' Hmm... last I checked, bullies actually weren't things, they were people. Appeal to the humanity, rather than pointing out the mechanical cruelty, and you might get somewhere. I'm not making these criticisms to be pruposely harsh, I'm simply trying to point out that they aren't the most effective way to send a message, because it's likely to offend some readers. Hope I've helped. |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
wait, what the, i, hold up, i know, it was, the allusion, there, who? i coulda swore, dang, what was i reading, what the heck i though there was an allusion...obviously i've gone crazy, that's not so bad in the scheme of things but it's gonna be horrible for my tomato plants, who's gonna take care of them? "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin |
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iwontdrownagain Junior Member
since 2003-10-04
Posts 39Massachusetts |
The Stephen King reference was taken out on rich-pa's advice....  Lynn "The green of your eyes That you get from your father Shows your personality, Such a young girl with an equally Young and foolish heart." ~Lynn M [This message has been edited by iwontdrownagain (11-08-2003 05:55 PM).] |
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