»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Sun Kissed/Free Verse
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Sun Kissed/Free Verse |
|
|
Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133
|
Sun Kissed He shook the hands of time waved to the ocean, inhaled the sea. He kissed the sun good-bye sank to a new found light. I still see him drifting. Humming almost forgotten songs. I sink in shallow rain, come up for air kissed by sun another day. Always Lisa, copyright Oct, 2003 [This message has been edited by Always Lisa (11-07-2003 08:14 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Always Lisa - All Rights Reserved | |||
Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Lisa~ I don't critique ... but I do know what I like ... this fits the bill~ A most enjoyable read~ *Huglets* ~*Marge*~ ~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost, |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Dear Lisa, I enjoyed this as well. I might not find anything I thought ought to be changed. Well written. [This message has been edited by Essorant (11-08-2003 12:01 PM).] |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Lisa, Just a couple of technicalities here. Your punctuation seems a little inconsistent. I know many free versers avoid it completely but, since you have used some, I think it should be at least consistent, if not correct. My suggest is, to eliminate your commas entirely. 1) If you leave one on L2 then L1 & L3 need one also. 2) Drop the period at L6 as it leaves L7 a fragment. 3) Drop the comma on L8 also. At first I was bothered by the change from past to present tense at L8 but I think maybe you wanted that. It probably does make sense. Thanks for an interesting insight, Pete |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Bump  |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
