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MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

0 posted 2003-07-16 08:09 PM

    Traces Of Life

There are traces of life
that are etched on our faces.
Each line and each crease
tell of other times and places.

Each time that we loved
and each time that we cried.
Each time that we laughed
and each time that we sighed.

The frown lines on our faces,
they tell a story of hurts and pain.
They tell of all those times
we couldn't see the sun for the rain.

Then there are all those
wonderful laugh lines.
They tell of happiness,love,
laughter and good times.

Yes, there are traces of life
that we all wear as we age.
Like reading a good book,
each line like turning a new page

The traces tell the story of all
we've thought, felt, and said.
They tell the story of who we are,
and the kinds of lives we have led.

                      Mary ( MsSouthernOrchid)
   I wrote this poem some time ago and it is on my website, but I would like some honest input. I have a lot of poems I wrote over the years posted on my site, but I am the first to admit I am a real amature and always just wrote what I felt at the time. Some honest feedback on some of them would be great. Thanks

Ladybug
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 236
Massachusetts

1 posted 2003-07-16 08:37 PM

Hi Mary, welcome to PIP!

I really like the underlying message in your poem. However, the meter is inconsistent, which prevented the poem from flowing smoothly. Also, parts seemed a little cliche. Perhaps consider some metaphor and imagery to convey your message in a unique way. Overall, I think it has potential, and enjoyed the read.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

[This message has been edited by Ladybug (07-16-2003 08:39 PM).]

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

2 posted 2003-07-16 08:49 PM

Thanks for the input Ladybug. It's most appreciated. Thanks for the welcome also.

Ladybug
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 236
Massachusetts

3 posted 2003-07-16 08:59 PM

You're very welcome, and thanks for your post on my poem too!

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

4 posted 2003-09-20 10:34 AM

Mary, I saw your lovely comment on one of my pieces, and looked for your first post. A belated "Welcome!" to Passions.

I'm still a novice at the art of critique, but I think Ladybug hit on some good suggestions. I've learned a LOT in my four years here at Passions, so I hope you will join us not only here in CA, but in the Poetry Workshop [where Not A Poet frequents...] and in Open as well.

One of my "mentors" over the years has always suggested dropping articles and allowing poetry to be more like sporadic thought when writing free verse; however, it appears from what I've read of you that you like rhyme, and we've got some wonderful mentors in that area as well...

I'm going to enjoy reading your poetry.

Karilea - if I whisper, will you listen?

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 2003-09-20 07:28 PM

Choose one person and write about the lines on their face, try to be as specific as possible.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

6 posted 2003-09-20 10:51 PM

Enjoyed the way you capture the motif of "life lines" and their telltalenesses.
I don't think you need to change anything.
It is a gentle poem with a lovely message.
A pleasant read.

Essorant

[This message has been edited by Essorant (09-20-2003 10:59 PM).]

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

7 posted 2003-09-20 10:55 PM

Now Brad, if she choose of one person shouldn't it be "his or her face?"
I think most of us need to do more work in the englishworkshop

It is so lonely over there, even the moderator seems to have forsaken that waning dusty place!

[This message has been edited by Essorant (09-20-2003 10:58 PM).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

8 posted 2003-09-20 11:39 PM

Actually, it's an interesting question. Is there a thread going on now?

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

9 posted 2003-09-22 07:54 AM

Hi everyone,
Sorry, I have not been in here for awhile. I just dropped in today to get caught up on reading some of the newer entries and noticed the replies to my poem. I was surprised because the poem was posted a while back. You have all given me some valuable pointers and they are most appreciated. I do seem to have a problem shaking that darn meter.LOL As for the use of " our" faces instead of his or her faces, I will stay with my original thoughts. "Our" faces, meaning we are all in this human race together, growing older, experiencing both good and hard times in our lives. This living shows on our faces. The harder the life, the deeper the grooves, so to speak. We should all be more appreciative of our tiny laugh lines, I think. LOL
Glad you all liked the basic concept of the poem, simple as it really is. Thanks one and all for taking the time to give me your input. I value your help.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

10 posted 2003-09-22 06:57 PM

Ms. SO,

For what it's worth, it was refreshing to see you stand up for the part of the poem you believed in.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

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