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Critical Analysis #1
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Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

0 posted 2000-03-31 10:29 PM


there it is

a drop of you

into my blood pool

  and lack of flow
your aberration

cruising around
    my immune system
   grabbing cells of
frantic pulse and weakened knees

and I can’t

I am a little thing

big veined and tiny

and you
the scraper
of my good health

I cough
and you stick in the back

of my emotion

no cure
to wait it out

      just wait it out

© Copyright 2000 Kamla Mahony - All Rights Reserved
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

1 posted 2000-04-01 12:09 PM


Wonderful, as usual. Interesting metaphor ... the immune system unable to fight off attraction, perhaps love, and I know love sickness has been done before, but not quite in this manner.

The only little tiny crit I have is with,
"and you
the scraper
of my good health"
"Scraper" is a bit jarring...just doesn't sound right; I got caught on it...interrupted the flow.

Very nice, though, Severn. Enjoyed it immensely.


 the poet's to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

2 posted 2000-04-01 01:01 AM

Thanks Kris!

You know - that was the exact same word I wasn't sure of myself...

I'll see what others have to say - but I do think it is likely that it will have to go!


Diana B
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97

3 posted 2000-04-01 10:36 AM

never thought of this metaphor handled it so well from start to finish..yes scraper does jump out...but whether it should or not is your it felt and what you were trying to me implies layer by layer...bit at a time and that works here...maybe ravisher is a too cutsie substitute...regardless of that one word liked this a lot.
Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
4 posted 2000-04-01 08:35 PM

You can imagine how this poem grabbed me right now, with its "elusive realism", just as in all of your poetry. You have created sounds, visions, movement and emotions with the slightest twist of a phrase or selected words so perfectly placed. And in a short verse, you capture the reality of illness and the reality of the pains of love .
Another pat on the back for a work well done

[This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (edited 04-01-2000).]

Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
5 posted 2000-04-02 03:59 PM

Lady K

You sure come up with some good ideas, I agree with Diana on this.  I simply love the idea of someone elses love "inserting" itself into you ( .. ~blush~ should I be saying that!? .. anyway you know what I mean.  The word that grabbed my attention was "aberration" meaning amongst other things "deviation".  

Now this word could I suppose be explained in terms of the simple illness metaphor (ie the illness is an anomaly or deviation from normal health and, in the same way, the inserted love is) except that the word aberration seems a little strong.  I feel that there is something else here, something about this "illness" or "love" that is not quite "right".  Now you may say I have an inside track on this but if this poem is what I think it is you have really done a quite excellently delicate job ...

The only thing is that I feel that the extended metaphor breaks down a little at the end .... this is not an "illness" that will go away by waiting .... believe me I know.

I guess maybe the best advice might be to get vaccinated ... ie inject just a little to combat the greater threat ... but then maybe you don't want to combat it?

Sir P

since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California
6 posted 2000-04-02 11:15 PM

  an interesting idea and nice metaphor. I liked it.
best regards,

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
7 posted 2000-04-03 10:57 AM

Hi Severn,

This would fit perfectly into Nan's workshop for this month. You might consider posting it there oas a near perfect example for the rest of us to study.

BTW, Philip is probably right about that injection thing.


What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe

Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
8 posted 2000-04-03 01:26 PM

Pete ..... actually i am forcefully informed that i'm wrong, although i maintain, using Brad's approach, viz ... that the reader is just as qualified as the writer to determine an interpretation of a poem, that i am just as right as the writer, if you follow me.  

In fact in this instance i really feel that the writer needs to reappraise her own interpretation ...... hear that K ?? ............... ~sits back and waits for the leaping up and down a la marsupial~

Thanks Pete

Great poem LK

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
9 posted 2000-04-03 02:11 PM

Geez Philip, I never intended to start an uprising or anything of that sort here. But I must quietly agree about your (or our as the case may be) right to interpret as we see fit. Now I forgot what the original discussion was about.  

BTW, I see nothing inherently wrong with insert or inject. It's all in how you interpret.


Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

10 posted 2000-04-04 02:47 AM

Jumping down you will most certainly get Sir P-knuckle!


Not A Poet - I assure you I said no such thing - Philip is just trying to wind me up! A Massive Case of uninformed misinterpretation...

~sulk~ to you...not speaking to you now P - I will be back later to answer the people who DESERVE a response...(meanie)

 'Writing sharpens life;
life enriches writing'
Sylvia Plath

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
11 posted 2000-04-04 09:49 AM

Oops, sorry Philip, didn't mean to get you in trouble either   Maybe we need to go back to class where spitballs, paper airplanes and poison darts are more or less expected.  


[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 04-04-2000).]

since 1999-11-25
Posts 109
Corning, N.Y. U.S.A.
12 posted 2000-04-04 10:42 AM

This is a wonderful piece of metaphoric poetry. With so many other interpretaions I'm not sure if my original spin on this was correct. Nor even my second.

But I get the general view of the infectiousness of love. And how it may be(or not)   percieved as a disease. In this case it gives the appearance of being benign. And, time heals all wounds type of thing.

It was fun to read this, and almost as fun to also read the posts on it.  


"I almost had a Psychic girlfriend once, but she left me before we met."  

< !signature-->

 Cap. Carg.

[This message has been edited by captaincargo (edited 04-04-2000).]

Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
13 posted 2000-04-04 05:44 PM

"I assure you I said no such thing - Philip is just trying to wind me up!" ............

......successfully it would appear !!?

Pete ... nothing unpredictable about this thread    

Capt ... lol the psychic g/f    


[This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 04-04-2000).]

Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

14 posted 2000-04-05 04:15 AM


For the rest of you NICE people I'll be back after slaving over a horrid essay - and then I will REFUTE Philip.

Junior Member
since 2000-04-05
Posts 10

15 posted 2000-04-06 10:20 AM

Well done .
Malcolm Coleman
Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 24
United Kingdom
16 posted 2000-04-06 06:00 PM

Beautiful metaphor, very eloquently expressed.

I'm impressed


 ** It seems I've waited years for this day to end. - Ronan Harris

Thanks for reading, hope you're still awake.

since 2000-01-26
Posts 90
s/w penna u.s.a.
17 posted 2000-04-07 04:05 PM

I liked what you did here,very creative.


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