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A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Countryside Magic" - Critique Please!! |
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Malcolm Coleman Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 24United Kingdom |
I posted the following in the Dark Passions forum, and I was recommended to post it here, so I have done. Sorry if anyone doesn't like the cross posting! =================================================== I don't know if this is the correct forum to post this poem, but I do hope it is. I'm really looking for critique on where this poem can go. It is a complete article at the moment, but I just have the feeling that it can expand somehow, so comments about what I currently have, AND about possible expansion would be GREATLY appreciated, thank you. Countryside Magic The soft wind, like liquid, Caresses his face, The smell of the damp earth Is what he can taste. His keen ears are soothed By the rippling leaves, Within him the countryside Magic is weaved. But if you look close At this picture of peace, You'll see his eyes shining With barely held tears. For he pines to be able To see what he feels, The indescribable beauty Tranquility yields. Suff'ring alone Hating his eyes Aching to see Not just surmise Cursing his life Having to guess Needing release From his darkness Heavy thoughts swirling in his tortured mind Trying to work themselves into a line Why should he even continue to live If this is all that his own world will give? The soft wind, like liquid, Caresses his face, The smell of the damp earth No more he will taste. His keen ears no longer are Soothed by the leaves, Is countryside magic As pure as it seems? ============================================= ** It seems I've waited years for this day to end. - Ronan Harris Thanks for reading, hope you're still awake. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Malcolm Coleman - All Rights Reserved | |||
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Okay, there are many parts of this poem that I liked. The first stanza was just wonderful. The third stanza and fourth seemed a bit short,(to me) almost as if they should be combined. Or maybe expanded on individually. Also "tortured mind" seemed a bit of a cliche. Overall, I found this a good read. Hope I've helped a little. Cap. < !signature--> Cap. Carg. [This message has been edited by captaincargo (edited 04-02-2000).] |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I would delete the 3rd and 4th stanza's entirely. They don't seem particularly poetic and they add little if anything to the poem. I'd re-write the 5th stanza to say the same thing but in the same poetic style as the 1st, 2nd, and final stanzas. You asked , so for what it's worth....  ) |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Malcolm, I think this is a wonderfully woven piece of poetry...images, emotions, sensory touches, and the word choices - very good. I loved it. Kristine the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Malcolm: Hello and welcome to Critical Analysis. I want you to know, first off, that any critique I offer is intended to be constructive and any negative criticism is (1) simply my opinion on what I think may help strengthen your poem and (2) only my opinion ... you are free to disagree with anything and everything that I say in my critique. That said, I like the contrasting ideas in your first and final stanzas but think you should consider giving "The soft wind, like liquid / caresses his face" a negative counterpart. The topic reminds me a little of the opening chapters of Ecclesiastes where Solomon continuously describes those who seek satisfaction in wisdom, knowledge, riches and folly as vane and "chasing the wind". You may want to give it a read (I suggest a modern version) because it seems you are saying many of the same things and perhaps some of Solomon's wording will help you flesh out your ideas. If I had to point out one weakness of your poem, it would be that the body lacks the descriptiveness that lends strength to your opening and closing stanzas. "But if you look close At this picture of peace, You'll see his eyes shining With barely held tears. For he pines to be able To see what he feels, The indescribable beauty Tranquility yields." So, basically, the person in the poem is upset because he/she cannot find words to describe, and cannot see, the feelings that well within him/her and this causes the person to become upset. This is fine but I think that taking the poem in this directions lays a fairly hefty challenge in your lap: you are left with having to make the reader feel and understand the anxiety the person in you poem is going through and the best way to do this, in my opinion, is by vivid description. "Suff'ring alone Hating his eyes Aching to see Not just surmise" Why is the person suffering alone? By choice or by uncontrollable circumstance? Because I don't know this I am trying to decide whether to sympathize with the person or to yell, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself and pick up a phone !!! Call a friend!!!" I think the lack of strong description weakens your poem at this point. Perhaps if you expanded on the second stanza before going into the shorter stanzas I would feel less inclined to question the whether the feelings the person is experiencing are a result of real problems or of an over-reaction. "Cursing his life Having to guess Needing release From his darkness" I think this line is hurt by the way you worded your rhyme. This is how I scanned these lines (caps indicate accented syllables, lower-case indicate unaccented or unstressed syllables). "CURS - ing / his LIFE HAV - ing / to GUESS NEED - ing / re - LEASE FROM his / DARK - ness" Your first three lines consist of a trochaic foot followed by an iambic foot but your last line consists of two trochaic feet. I think this lack of uniformity throws off your rhythm. Just my opinion. "Heavy thoughts swirling in his tortured mind Trying to work themselves into a line Why should he even continue to live If this is all that his own world will give?" What heavy thoughts? Why is his mind tortured? Because he can't see his feelings? Again, if you are more specific the reader will be more likely to be satisfied that the person in the poem is not merely whining but, rather, is lamenting over a very real tragedy. Again, I like your opening and closing stanzas. I think your best bet is to flesh out the cause of the person's anxiety in order to better establish a connection between the reader and the person in the poem. Jim |
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Malcolm Coleman Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 24United Kingdom |
Wow, that's a lot of responses in one day - I'm thoroughly pleased! Anyway, here's an attempted response to the responses Capt: Thanks for the praise, always welcome! The reason that I changed the pace of the poem in the 3rd and 4th and then again in the fifth stanzas is because the mood of the poem changes too. I was trying to let the increased pace of the poem make it sound more angry. I don't know if I manage to do this?? I do agree with your comment about "tortured mind" being "a bit of a cliche"! I'll have to give that some thought Thanx again Marq: Thanx for your critique. I'm not going to repeat myself, but basically the same to you as I said to capt about changing the pace of the poem. I didn't want the poem to be the same style all the way through as the emotions change from beautiful peace to despair and death, and I wanted to enhance the feeling of this with the increased rhythm. Kristine: Thank you so much for your kind words - praise is never hard to swallow! Jim: First of all WOW!!! What a detailed response! Thank you so much for taking the time and effort over my work. Now to your comments; 1) re: Negative counterpart to line 1 in the final stanza. Well I thought about this, but then I realised, if the man is dead, that wouldn't stop the wind caressing his face, and it seems somehow sad that Nature is still being kind to him, the very thing that caused him to kill himself (indirectly) 2) I think you have missed the main point of the poem, which is that the man is blind, and so kills himself because he hates being blind, and not able to enjoy life as "normal" people do. If you missed this then it is my fault, because I have not made it clear enough. I didn't want to come out and say straight off that he was blind, because I prefer to hint at things, and hopefully people realise what I mean. the original title of this poem was "Living in Darkness" and maybe that would have been better, although it still doesn't say the man is blind. Perhaps I should be more blatant about his blindness, though I'm not sure how, since I'm not sure I want to!!! 3) As for the dissection of the poem: "For he pines to be able To see what he feels, The indescribable beauty Tranquility yields." This means that he wishes he could see the beauty that he can sense. However you can't actually sense beauty, but you can sense tranquility, and if you sense that, then you know there is beauty aswell. A little confusing, but I hope I cleared that up for you. "Suff'ring alone Hating his eyes Aching to see Not just surmise" He is alone in his own dark world, having to guess at the beauty that surrounds him. "Cursing his life Having to guess Needing release From his darkness" I didn't understand all the technical words you used here (although I was much impressed!!) but I got the general idea. You read the first three lines as I intended them to be read, and the last line I intended to be read: "FROM his / dark - NESS" OK, so the stress is on a less important syllable, but I think it works, and it doesn't interuppt the flow of the stanza. Is it foolish to expect people to read it like this? "Heavy thoughts swirling in his tortured mind Trying to work themselves into a line Why should he even continue to live If this is all that his own world will give?" Knowing he is blind might make this stanza more obvious now. The heavy thoughts are those of hating his dark world that he is imprisoned in, and his mind is tortured because he must constantly be asking himself "why me?". I think that's how I would be if I was blind. Basically if it is known that the man is actually physically blind then this poem would make a whole lot more sense I guess. Maybe I should just title it "Blindness"?? OK, anyone have any thoughts/comments/suggestions/abuse to tell/hurl at me about all these responses to responses?? Sorry this is so long! Malcolm ** It seems I've waited years for this day to end. - Ronan Harris Thanks for reading, hope you're still awake. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Malcolm: Knowing the person in the poem is blind does change he way I read this (and it certainly helps my understanding of WHY he is pining). It is up to you to decide whether to make his blindness more "obvious". On second reading I noted that you mentioned every sense but vision in the first stanza and the see/surmise lines were more meaningful to me. The "dark - NESS" thing I am having problems with. It just doesn't seem to me to be a natural reading of that word. I think you could get away with adding another unstressed syllable before darkness but, quite honestly, I can't read ... a can barely say ... dark-NESS. Thanks for the explanation. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 04-03-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Malcolm, I knew it was about someone who was blind, and don't think you need to add any more about that. There are quite enough references to the blindness, such as "His keen ears..., For he pines to be able To see what he feels,...Suff'ring alone Hating his eyes Aching to see Not just surmise Cursing his life Having to guess Needing release From his darkness" Also, "his own world", and you speak of him as if he relies heavily on the other senses, also suggesting blindness. I truly don't think you need to add any more information on the blindness. Kristine the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Malcolm: The third stanza locked in the blindness thing for me. I really liked the third stanza. As indeed I liked the entire poem, don't take my earlier post the wrong way. There was nothing wrong with the third and fourth stanzas, it's just that they left me wanting a little more. Know what I mean. I understand what you are saying about the pace of the piece. However for me it had the opposite effect and slowed me down. Maybe because I wasn't ready for the change of pace. Again, I just wanted you to know that I enjoyed the poem. And I really did like the first stanza, it got me in the mood right out of the gate. Cap. Cap. Carg. |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Malcolm, I'm a bit thick too, I didn't get the blindness thing either until I read the other responses. My initial reaction to this poem was, "where's the magic?" Suggestion: maybe retitle this poem, "With His Magic Eyes" to help the reader a little. I didn't really care for the "darkness" rhyme either. (seems a little forced) Though this poem had a little hip-hop rhythm to it, I think, so it's your call. Also, the last two lines don't do anything for me. Suggest you work on them. Perhaps, "he'd announced to himself that he could see, that's why he'd made the trip- back to his home country" Something to make it seem a bit more ironic or interesting. Anyway, good effort. Keep working on it. best regards, bboog [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 04-04-2000).] |
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Malcolm Coleman Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 24United Kingdom |
Once again, thank you all for the replies. It seems opinions are divided on whether I needed to emphasise the blindness or not. I think I can say that the problems in the poem come down to: 1) the wrong stresses in the last line in the third stanza 2)The cliche of "tortured mind" 3)The last two lines. Taking these in order... 1) I'll have to work on this for a bit, hopefully I'll be able to come up with something! 2) I could perhaps change the line to; "The chains of his blindness encasing his mind" and this would remove any doubt about his blindness. Any thoughts? 3) I think I like the last two lines, I often like to be ambiguous in poems (in case you hadn't guessed) so that they can hopefully appeal to different people who read them in a different way. thanx again to you all Malcolm ** It seems I've waited years for this day to end. - Ronan Harris Thanks for reading, hope you're still awake. |
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Malcolm Coleman Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 24United Kingdom |
Me again, I've messed around a bit, see what you think of this alteration: For the third stanza, have: Cursing the life He has to lead Darkness his world He screams to be free And for the first line of the fourth stanza have: "Heavy thoughts swirling, encasing his mind" Let me know what you think please Don't worry I'll post another poem soon for you all to critique  )Malcolm ** It seems I've waited years for this day to end. - Ronan Harris Thanks for reading, hope you're still awake. |
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