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Open Poetry #39
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Your angel
| Open Poetry #39 |
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Your angel |
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River Of Tears Junior Member
since 2006-10-28
Posts 25Canada! |
Your Angel Think of me as your angel, The one who keeps you safe each day. You can call my name while you sleep, You can picture me your comfort while you weep. Never let those thoughts of me leave your mind. Don’t think of me as something you lost, But as a hope that was thrust upon you, A hope for all other days, a shoulder to lean on, And a friend to believe in. One you will always want and need. An angel that will always keep you safe, That will always want you to be happy, The one that will remember you, And think of you each second of every hour. When things start to look bad, Think of me, and know I am watching over you. That I still love you and will never leave you, I will always be in your heart, in that spot where you keep me so close. I will always and forever be your angel. - ShayLee N Posted this in Teen but it wasnt getting much for replies, so I thoguht I'd post it here to see what you think. |
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| © Copyright 2007 ShayLee - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JL Member Ascendant
since 2004-04-01
Posts 6128Texas, USA |
"Never let those thoughts of me leave your mind. Don’t think of me as something you lost, But as a hope that was thrust upon you, A hope for all other days, a shoulder to lean on, And a friend to believe in." Beautiful write. This verse really hits home. Keep up the great work. JL  Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: |
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trutodaraiders Senior Member
since 2006-12-02
Posts 820CA |
A few re-writes and this poem could very well be teasured. I agree with JL. The meter threw me off in the last stanza, but not everyone INCLUDING me writes a flawless flow. Kudos and keep writing! I love Angels (: Humbley ~Bill |
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River Of Tears Junior Member
since 2006-10-28
Posts 25Canada! |
Yeah, I am still trying to improve my writing by using stonger words, and not repeating myself so much, I really apprecate your tips Shay |
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MoonShadow Senior Member
since 2001-08-02
Posts 943Dark side of the Moon. |
Shay... I do not often offer critical advice... but you seem to desire it so. In humility and honesty I offer: This piece appears to be heartfelt and sincere. Of that I have no doubt. There is no discernable meter... as meter goes hand in hand with rhyme scheme.. like rhythm to music. However, it is not necessary to have either. It is your preference, as "free verse" or "prose"" can be beautiful poetry of a different genre. I would suggest, however, if your goal is to employ imagery to convey your emotions and, in so doing, capture those of the reader... then write for impact by getting the most out of each and every word. Spend (or use) every word as if it is an individual precious gem from a treasure cache within your heart. When you spend wisely you will know the value of your words and give value to your work. Sometimes more power can be unleashed by simplicity... and, in poetry, it is not so much "what you say" but "how you say it". Good luck Milady. Rest assured others of empathetic heart are reading and watching. MoonShadow [This message has been edited by MoonShadow (01-03-2007 04:02 PM).] |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
I agree with Moon Shadow...the intention is good the words are earnest but if you desire to be a poet you need to take heed of the rhythm and spend words wisely. a good commitee can decimate communication. |
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Interloper
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369Deep in the heart |
Even the judicious use of line breaks would help this piece. I like your words and it shows you have great promise Poet, said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write. |
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wredgranny Member
since 2006-11-18
Posts 493Ky. USA |
will always and forever be your angel. - ShayLee N Posted this in Teen but it wasnt getting much for replies, so I thoguht I'd post it here to see what you think. © Copyright 2007 ShayLee - All Rights Reserved Sigi usti ulv,we all need to know an Angel,we all need the care,tears,and love of someone to watch over. A beautiful thing you have shared!
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River Of Tears Junior Member
since 2006-10-28
Posts 25Canada! |
Thanks so much to everybody tha thas ginen me some tips, I really need them I know, and I love writing so any help I can get from such great writes is a BIG plus! I will take every word you all jus tsaid and run with it! Thanks so much again! Shay |
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