St. Claire's Garden - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

deasomnians
Member

since 2006-06-20

Posts 87
California

0 posted 2006-10-11 03:23 AM

**I'm thinking of submitting this one to my schools' literary review, so please let me know if you like it, or what I should change!**

St. Claire’s Garden

Amidst the desert palms
Transplanted into the perfect visage
Of my encapsulated suburban oasis
The stars shine not,
But airplane lights float through the distance,
The only break in the heavy blue cosmos
Bearing their weight on me to the brink of suffocation.

Neither the trees’ outstretched branches
Not the emerald grass of this garden,
Where the spirits of saints, buried below, wander,
Can protect me from the overwhelming pressure
From the air outside and within,
From the tip of this pencil, sharp as blade,
Not willing to be erased.

Not even the salty water droplets
Forming on the inner corners of my eyelids
Dare brave this world by falling.
Though, just now, a dried brown leaf alighted upon my page
From the outstretched arms of the tree
Fighting so valiantly to rescue me.
And maybe it’s not failure after all.

"Nature has implanted in our minds an insatiable longing to seek the truth" - CJCL Convention Theme 2005

JLHunter
Senior Member

since 2006-10-08

Posts 557
CA United States

1 posted 2006-10-11 04:43 AM

Hi, deasomnians.

Honestly, this is one beautiful poem; full of vivid imagery and tantalizing metaphors. The only thing that I can see that needs fixing is perhaps a minor mistake or two, such as:

"Neither the trees’ outstretched branches [comma]
Not ["Nor" instead of "Not"] the emerald grass of this garden,
Where the spirits of saints, buried below, wander,
Can protect me from the overwhelming pressure
From the air outside and within,
From the tip of this pencil, sharp as [a] blade,
Not willing to be erased."

Aside from that, it's quite well written.

John

Pinky: Gee, Brain, what are we going to do tonight?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky: try to take over the world!

Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

2 posted 2006-10-11 11:12 AM

deasomnians

"Though, just now, a dried brown leaf alighted upon my page"

The above seems the most important line...you could almost end there with the impact of it. Well written, I'd say.

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

3 posted 2006-10-11 08:31 PM

Enjoyed...James

The Lady
Member Rara Avis

since 2005-12-26

Posts 7634
The Southwest

4 posted 2006-10-11 11:59 PM

deasomnians

I see what Martie means
It would end perfectly with:

“Though, just now, a dried brown leaf alighted upon my page”

it’s an enchanting poem

I love the title...

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.