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The Shadow in Blue
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 493
EL, Michigan

0 posted 2006-07-19 12:29 PM

This is a little rough and some stanzas are...well...not flowy, but I guess I just need some feedback.
----------------

Moments in Time

My life on replay would be a hazy blur
filled with what ifs and could have beens
all a complex web I wove
with great care in delicate threads

And like with TiVo I could pause
to view my blunders and second thoughts
reflecting on my heart's desire
instead replaced by my mind's cop out

So as I doubt the irreversible past
I stare ahead at the dauntless future
aware of myself with no regrets
willing to follow my inner child's eye

And by jumping into the brewing storm
I fast forward to the day that I live
true to me and not my peers
rather the girl I am inside

So now I am living in the present
not yet perfect, but not so flawed
I'm living for a better me
not forgetting what came before

But rather forging a bright new world
one without my inhibitions
combining my past with my present
I'm heading torwards a better future

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

1 posted 2006-07-19 01:05 AM

I like it the way it is hon

good job!

divine chaos
Senior Member

since 2006-07-09

Posts 617
dancing 'neath the moon

2 posted 2006-07-19 08:45 AM

I like it like it is too. The only thing I see the would need to be changed for the whole flowy thing you want (not that I think it needs to be changed, but just if you want it to flow) is the line

"instead replaced by my mind's cop out"

the words "cop out" are probably what's making it sound clunky to you

good job

I like it lots

~*Sheli*~

By words the mind is winged
~Aristophanes~

Justbleu
Member Elite

since 1999-08-31

Posts 3329
Oregon, Originally From Alaska :)

3 posted 2006-07-19 08:51 AM

I agree....I like it too. That's a great way to be....content with who you are and having a nice feeling of where you want to go. I like your writing.

HUGS,
Bridgette

"Somewhere, somehow, it should be possible to touch someone and never let go again. To hold someone, not for a moment but forever." Andre Brink

aujussy wolf

Senior Member

since 2003-08-09

Posts 1215
Michigan

4 posted 2006-07-20 10:31 PM

u wrote a great stanza , i would say perfect work !! u keep your thoughts together well and dont lose your flow either , nice !!! keep writing 4 sure

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