another one of my poems - pipTalk Forums

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timpat92855
New Member

since 2005-12-04

Posts 5

0 posted 2005-12-05 10:05 PM

have any of you all been so close to your best friend that u love her/him but in your heart and mind know you will never have her/him the way you want them....i have...

Will you ever want me,
Like I wanted you last night,
The fire was burning,
So bright in your eyes,
I could feel the words,
On the tip of my tongue,
I wondered what would change,
If I told you,
I was to scared to lose what we have,
Too find out,
Now the nights over,
Things are back the way they was,
But I will never ever forget,
The burning in your eyes,

tell me what u think please

Juju
Member Elite

since 2003-12-29

Posts 3429
In your dreams

1 posted 2005-12-07 11:24 AM

THis is a good poem, but the grammer errors hurt the flow in the poem. I think if you read them out loud you should catch them, if not I can help you. Otherwise a very nice poem.

Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic

The dictionary never lies.... I am magical (;

DejaEntendu
Member

since 2005-12-06

Posts 82
Pennsylvania

2 posted 2005-12-07 05:05 PM

hey
i'm feeling the exact same way right now, very great poem. your words sum up everything.
thank you

timpat92855
New Member

since 2005-12-04

Posts 5

3 posted 2005-12-07 10:09 PM

thanks, and i know about some of my grammar errors its jus the way i write, but i would like to know which ones you seen that maybe i missed,

i know how u feel, i'm in a friendship like that right now

DejaEntendu
Member

since 2005-12-06

Posts 82
Pennsylvania

4 posted 2005-12-08 05:15 AM

hey
as requested, what i noticed
in line 9, to should be too
in line 10- too should be to
youcould change line 12 to things are back the way they were
and end it with a period.
that's all i caught,
excellent poem, once again

[This message has been edited by DejaEntendu (12-08-2005 06:43 AM).]

Corinne
Member Ascendant

since 1999-10-28

Posts 5167
state of confusion

5 posted 2005-12-08 01:12 PM

Hi Timpat,

Maybe give your work titles instead of titling this "another one of my poems?"

after all, we're all posting poems here, right?

as for the grammatical errors, always good to use a spell checker when writing:

,

I was to scared to lose what we have,[i] should read: I was too scared..."

[i]Too find out, wrong use of "too" "too" means also. right word "to"

Now the nights over, now the night's over (contraction of "night is") or simply say "now the night is over"

Corinne

timpat92855
New Member

since 2005-12-04

Posts 5

6 posted 2005-12-08 10:20 PM

sorry bout the title thing, im sorry, i like the errors you brought to my attention i like the, night is over now, i might revise it and repost, thanks

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