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bgj
Member

since 2005-11-09

Posts 128
Ga. USA

0 posted 2005-11-30 03:26 PM

Sorrow's Song

For love lost and shattered hope,
First a broken heart, now a length of rope.
How much pain can one heart take
When day after day it continues to break.
Happiness evades me, peace cannot be found,
Sometimes in my sorrow I feel I will drown.
If only I could turn back time
I would find a way to keep love mine.
That this would happen I could not see
Sometimes love stays, sometimes it flies free.
Tears fell for a while but now they run dry,
No matter how sad I cannot cry.
So long have I kept my emotions tied
That now a part of my soul has died.
From songs of despair to songs of love
From sorrow below to hope above.
I fear that happiness I'll not find again
Before I meet my final end.
Thou I hate this pain that ebbs with each breath
Which do I fear most, is it life, is it death.
My dreams may remind me of happier times
But then I awake and always find -
My sorrow.

Bobby G. Jarrard

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

1 posted 2005-11-30 03:33 PM

This flowed and rhymed well. I liked the non rhyming ending it gave me a surprise. Despite the sorrow and confusion flowing through this I still felt it had an air of hope. Good job.

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

2 posted 2005-11-30 05:28 PM

~ a sweetly sung song of such sorrow.

The cadence and rhyme were sublime, yet the words expressed such sadness.

Sending you a loving, comforting hug,
EA

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

3 posted 2005-11-30 10:54 PM

I like the feel of this...not flawless, but
close.  A few (very few) places where when
trying to sing it in my mind....I hit a spot
that breaks the flow.  Overall,  better than
many will do....you put some work in it
and it shows...  There was one line where
I think you meant "though" vice "thou"...
IF you ever want a more thorough critique of
a poem...take it to Critical Analysis Forum
and someone may give it a go...

iliana
Member Patricius

since 2003-12-05

Posts 13434
USA

4 posted 2005-12-01 12:31 PM

"Thou I hate this pain that ebbs with each breath
Which do I fear most, is it life, is it death."

Bobby, this is an excellent write, expressing very succintly the pain of love lost. Just remember....we can never tell how things turn out until they do. And everyday brings new possibilities if we don't hold onto fear.

LeeJ
Member Patricius

since 2003-06-19

Posts 13296

5 posted 2005-12-01 12:52 PM

what in the world is this doing way down here, back up to the top for others to enjoy

Well done!!!!

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

6 posted 2005-12-01 01:00 PM

Well done Bobboy as always...
very much enjoyed the read.
Hugs~Nancy

~ Trace my body with your words..
in doing so, you touch my heart ~

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

7 posted 2005-12-01 09:31 PM

Bobby~
Can you hear the ?

This is an excellent piece of work~
*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*No matter what I search for ...
let me know when it is LOVE that I find*~ <))><

Email - [email protected]

bgj
Member

since 2005-11-09

Posts 128
Ga. USA

8 posted 2005-12-01 11:18 PM

Thamks guys for your kind words. I know this one has a lot of structural flaws but it was the frist thing I ever wrote. (o.k. excuse I guess)
Peace to all,
bgj

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