Darling Dead,
I wasn’t lonely until you came.
In the past,
I sat alone, slept alone and
cried by myself.
But at the end of the day-
I was always satisfied with the idea
of finding someone or something
tomorrow, next week, or around the corner-
content with imagining a fitting future.
The promise, you see, kept me company.

With you,
there was no mystery…
no fanciful daydreams, no sweetness
in the anticipation of what was to come.

You, who I always wanted,
you, who I gave up the fairytale for,
you who hollowed me out-
kept pressing down the soft pink tissue;
the hope of happiness that lined my insides.

I knew the end would arrive before the beginning,
I knew you’d die before you were born.

I still can’t believe
it was only a thin red lifeline
that held us together.
How then, when you left,
did you manage to take everything?
You weren’t my child,
not my first born boy, finally. Oh no.
You were my soul.

The nurses asked me
if I wanted to hold you, feel your skin,
see my features were your features,
to feel your flesh was my flesh.
They told me it was important
to understand what had happened,
to understand you were perfect,
to understand you could love me
somewhere up in heaven.
To remember through love
you would remain with me always.

Well, let me tell you my little one,
I can’t help but love you.
But I resent you as well.
Forgive me for saying it,
forgive your mama
for staying stuck down here in the dirt.
I miss you now, and I’m lonely now.
I do understand, you see.
I’m not by myself anymore.

My heart will be pregnant with you forever.