»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #35
»
Mimizuka
| Open Poetry #35 |
|
Mimizuka |
|
|
Huan Yi Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688Waukegan 
|
All glory Loud drums Bright banners Above the hill In old Kyoto A stolid moon |
||
| © Copyright 2005 John Pawlik - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I think this is quite good. Very Ezra Pound-ish, with the piling of concise imagery. I like, in the first stanza, how you put emphasis ("loudness" and "brightness") on the two quantifying adjectives by starting lines with them. The "drums" and "banners" were allowed to seem almost less important than the adjectives you used to describe them, which I hope was the desired effect. You do something similar in the second stanza by situating the "stolid moon" before describing it, and even describing "old kyoto." The effect is different though, I think, because the final chord is played on the moon itself, which is (contrary to the "all glory" it overlooks) silently and carelessly surveying the activity below. I especially like how, in the second stanza, everything described is totally inanimate and passive. I found this quite enjoyable. Glad I got the opportunity to read it. Brian |
||
|
JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Enjoyed...James |
||
|
Drauntz Member Elite
since 2007-03-16
Posts 2905Los Angeles California |
good comparing. carnival/dealy still loud/quiet human/nature down there/up there drums/moon banner/city. why a brain twister poem? enjoyed as always |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
