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To her
| Open Poetry #35 |
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To her |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
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This campus is attractive in the spring. (Note: Here, I've learned that looks can be deceiving.) But everything seems perfect on this evening, I love you recklessly, without a second thought. Forgive me everything I've finished, or begun And never finished, for my words and verses, My stubbornness, and honesty, and curtness, -- Forgive me all I've done or haven't done... Just think! A month and life begins anew. (Four walls, a window, and a dog named "Marcus.") I call your name and smile in the darkness, - These days I dream of sleeping next to you. Check out my poetry here: http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master [This message has been edited by Master (04-25-2005 05:08 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2005 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved | |||
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
a nice sweet write~~ sometimes exactly what is needed  Thanks M |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
nice to see you writing again |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
Great style to this, Master. And I love the hope found here. Corinne |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I used to have trouble with your rhyming style, but I've come to like it (and even, I have to admit, imitate it the odd time). It's very effective, especially in a conversational poem such as this one, where reading it, there's that light charm without all the formal bloat of conventional rhyming-dictionary strictures. quote:This is a good example of a great first line. I'd believe you if you told me that it came up in the course of common discourse, but stuck in your head because you had noticed it was in iambic pentameter. By way of criticism, I have to admit I'm not sure what the status of the word "But" is at the beginning of line 3, since it comes after your parenthetical "note." I would get rid of the parentheses altogether and change the word "note" and maybe find a synonym for "thought" so you don't lose the charming almost-rhyme that you had here. You might use a word that more smoothly connects line 1 with line 2. The second half of line 4 sounds like a stock phrase, and it doesn't entirely make sense (you "love" in the continuous tense, not as a single isolated decision that would merit a "second thought"). Otherwise, beautifully written. I have no other criticisms, but a non-critical question: how many syllables do you use when you pronounce the word "smile?" Thanks for sharing this with us, Andrey. Good reading you again. Brian "God becomes as we are that we may be as he is." ~William Blake |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
"I love you recklessly, without a second thought" woohooo! nice way to love |
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