Untitled/Response to an old challenge by VAS

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miscellanea
Member Elite

since 2004-06-24

Posts 4060
OH

0 posted 2005-03-19 02:59 PM

In 2003, VAS challenged us to write a poem that describes the sky using no adjectives.  This was harder than I thought!   I'd love to see how others met this challenge...Hint, hint!)

             ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I avert my eyes
     when    in silence colors float;
A waltz skims the breeze
      While the sun peaks out in mote.

Within the stuffing of the sky
    I feel the see of me.
I’m a swallow  dipped in clouds
Perceiving.
    The chrysanthemum beside  the tree;
            the breath on a window
               that was punctuated by a nose;
            the sun that waxes and shines the thorn
                that was given with the rose...

I must divert the eyes and leave
Behind colors, rose and thorn
   Divert.
“Earth-to-ground” the hurt
Until tomorrow
            When in clouds the swallow flies.

[This message has been edited by miscellanea (03-21-2005 12:18 PM).]

EvocativeVerse2
Senior Member

since 2003-09-10

Posts 1279

1 posted 2005-03-19 03:13 PM

I love this poem. Not sure I could meet such a challenge myself. First I would have to read what an adjective is. LOL! I will think about doing it though...this seems like a fun way to waste a few hours.

miscellanea
Member Elite

since 2004-06-24

Posts 4060
OH

2 posted 2005-03-19 03:19 PM

EV2,
  Glad you liked it, but you're bluffing EV!  You certainly know what an adjective is and apply them well!  Shall I pull up some of your poetry to prove my point?  I will later this evening or tomorrow!  Gotta shuffle now...
   Thanks for your kind response.
           miscellanea

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

3 posted 2005-03-19 07:00 PM

Loved this! And I agree with EV2 ... wouldn't know an adjective from anything else execpt a noun...or at least a Proper Noun...would have to even question plain old noun understanding. One may automatically use them (parts of speech) but it doesn't mean we know what we're using...I don't for sure. Kinda like that old "saying"..."let your fingers do the walking cause your brain never learned how....!"

Enjoyed the way you did this...

jwesley.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

4 posted 2005-03-19 07:04 PM

very cool piece here

I couldn't do it, at least not as well

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

5 posted 2005-03-19 07:08 PM

Extremely well written..much enjoyed.
Hugs~Nancy

For it was not into my ear you whispered
But into my heart
It was not my lips you kissed
But my soul

Ratleader

Member Rara Avis

since 2003-01-23

Posts 7026
Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass

6 posted 2005-03-20 10:38 AM

A very good challenge and also an excellent exercise, because too many adjectives (and adverbs) are almost as clearly effective a guarantee of a stilted, slow-moving poem, as too many colorless nouns or passive verbs.

Check that sentence, for example.....I dare ya to read it aloud quickly, or even smoothly!

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

7 posted 2005-03-20 10:49 AM

I would love this even if I didn't know about the challenge... knowing just led to an extra perusal... and louder applause. *S*

Nightshade

Member Patricius

since 2001-08-31

Posts 13962
just out of reach

8 posted 2005-03-20 02:06 PM

Wow !! This is excellent misc !!
hugs, Chris

You are ice and fire. The touch of you burns my hands like snow.
~Amy Lowell~

miscellanea
Member Elite

since 2004-06-24

Posts 4060
OH

9 posted 2005-03-20 02:31 PM

Thanks Everyone. If you haven't tried writing without those descriptive adjectives, it is a fun learning experience. I encourage you to try it.
Thanks, VAZ, for suggesting it.

miscellanea

Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

10 posted 2005-03-20 03:24 PM

A wonderful response to the challenge!

Goodknight
Member Elite

since 2002-06-15

Posts 2386
Ohio, USA

11 posted 2005-03-30 07:41 PM

You write is very well - I saw it all and felt it too even without the adj. Paul

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius

since 2001-10-23

Posts 10549
By the Seaside

12 posted 2005-04-05 01:04 AM

I’m a swallow  dipped in clouds
Perceiving.
    The chrysanthemum beside  the tree;
            the breath on a window
               that was punctuated by a nose;
            the sun that waxes and shines the thorn
                that was given with the rose...

Reads to me like you met the challenge perfectly.
But more importantly, you really are all that, misce~
You have a keen eye, and a perceptive nature,
and I appreciate your kindness very much.

Just so you know.

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