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Open Poetry #34
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Peaceful Harbor
| Open Poetry #34 |
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Peaceful Harbor |
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WranglrButts9 Member
since 2004-10-24
Posts 108Iowa, US 
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This is my first post in Open, I've always shared w. the teens. But this writing didn't get any responses, so I thought I'd see what you guys thought. It could use some improvement, but I'm not sure what. So if you could help, it'd be appreciated! Thanks, -Bailey *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Sailing into a harbor On a dark and chilly night Everything is calm Not a noise can be heard Except the peaceful sound Of the wish-wash of the sea There are no clouds To hide the full moon Thats looking down on me Giving me the light I need And a sense of safety, Feeling like if I were to be harmed Mr. Moon would swoop down Between me and the object of harm The wind is blowing lightly Touching my pale cheeks Filling me with warmness And a tingle upon my skin That wish-wash of the sea Is echoing in my ears Soothing them with softness And never ending love All these things I realize Are you in disguise You are so calm and peaceful With everything you do I know you will protect me If the man above sends harm The softness of your fingers Brushing lightly on my cheeks Does nothing but send tingles Up & down my spine The words you say to me, Are stuck in memory forever Your voice sooths my ears Like never felt before Everytime you say "I love you": My dreams of peaceful harbors Continue ever-more! Good judgment comes from experience, |
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| © Copyright 2005 WranglrButts9 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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DavePage Member Elite
since 2003-12-21
Posts 2917 |
Your writing is inventive, well written, excellent. The lack of comment is because people comment on friends and quality such as this, gets blasted. Your writing is excellent but you obviously have other writing options in style you could use. Dave |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Very nicely penned... and welcome to Open!  I do hope you will post in here more often. Hugs~Nancy In the midst of winter, |
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*Alli4000*
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188The World of Poetry |
Hey Bailey! Omg...I'm getting everyone to start posting in open now huh? lol. I replied to this in teen so you already know what I think.  Nice job! ^_^~Alli~ Happy 2005! |
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WranglrButts9 Member
since 2004-10-24
Posts 108Iowa, US |
Thank you both! This is the amount of replies it got in Teen.... so I'm very happy. lol. This actually was out of the norm. for me... if you would like, search my name & read the rest of my writing. To me, this writing sounded like one of an adult, which I am far from.... but I like it! Thanks, Bailey Good judgment comes from experience, |
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RSWells Member Elite
since 2001-06-17
Posts 2533 |
I'd like to say that I wish I'd started writing at your age instead of age 47. I'm certain my road would have been smoother. No one bites here (except me when I get political) and if you don't mind I'd like to make a comment or two. I think you might want to whittle down the length of the poem. That doesn't mean anything would be lost from its intent but simply more concise. Poetry is not prose because it is supposed to be shorter and I'll even venture a bit further and say it sometimes is advantageous to make a reader reach a bit and so involve them more. If everything is laid out it makes it too easy to blow through the poem and the comments you'll get will (in time) prove to you that the reader was no more involved than a passing hello to an fair acquaintance. The time you took to compose your post deserves more than pat replies that soon enough lose effect when you see the same replies repeated verbatim on several other's posts. There's nothing wrong with these polite gestures but your very presence in this forum suggests you ask for more (and good for you). Just an example with this stanza; "There are no clouds To hide the full moon Thats looking down on me Giving me the light I need And a sense of safety, Feeling like if I were to be harmed Mr. Moon would swoop down Between me and the object of harm" maybe something more trim; No clouds hide a full moon which guides me with its light as though offering protection, safety from harm, it's face so near that fear I feel would know its intervention. Only a savings of two lines but over the length of a poem it adds up. I find it interesting you refer to the moon as "Mr." when it's ordinarily thought of (and was in myth and ancient poetry) as feminine. But that's cool because you're doing something different. Something else I try not to do is repeat and end word, even if it isn't a rhyme (harm, harmed). You involve the senses nicely in these two soft stanzas; "The wind is blowing lightly Touching my pale cheeks Filling me with warmness And a tingle upon my skin That wish-wash of the sea Is echoing in my ears Soothing them with softness And never ending love" In this stanza you may want to rethink "man"; "All these things I realize Are you in disguise You are so calm and peaceful With everything you do I know you will protect me If the man above sends harm" Keep writing and more importantly read as many published poets as you can handle. Keep pencil and paper handy always or even a small, pocket size tape recorder because you never know when a really cool phrase, thought or even word will pop up and you need to capture it before the current of life's distractions sweep it away. I open at least two windows besides Microsoft Word on those rare occasions when I compose while seated in front of the computer. Dictionary.com (not for spelling errors because Microsoft Word will catch them but for its thesaurus feature. That's one way to avoid repitition of a word and maybe to find a better fitting word http://dictionary.reference.com/) and either rhymezone.com (if it is a rhyme) or google for more info. http://www.rhymezone.com/ Ordinarily I write in bed or on the recliner with a huge dictionary next to me with various other poetry guides such as those Norton puts out. Your poem is good and your reaching out commendable. I hope you take this for the friendly gesture I intended. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
this poem sounds very grown-up keep writing and learning about poetry, reading others...that is a big inspiration good to read you Bailey |
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WranglrButts9 Member
since 2004-10-24
Posts 108Iowa, US |
RSWells: Thanks for the advice, I will remember it (I printed everything out, lol) & try to use it with my next writing. I understand what you are saying about the length of that stanza, that wasn't my fav. I really like your version of it. Though you are a more accomplished writer than me, so it would be expected. I also understand what you mean by not using the same words, I tried to think of something else, but I wrote it fast, and then could not think of anything else afterwards. But could you explain more (feel free to e-mail me) about re-thinking man, I don't understand that? passingshadows: thanks for your comments, I appreciate them. Everyone is a lot friendlier in open.... I like it here! Good judgment comes from experience, |
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