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Open Poetry #33
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House of White Birches (Villanelle)
| Open Poetry #33 |
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House of White Birches (Villanelle) |
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IndigoEve Member
since 2003-01-10
Posts 279Etched in the illusion of time 
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Until she took me by the hand to her white birch tree it was almost twenty-five summers before, where we had never carved our names into such empty cavities. We lay beneath that Pennsylvania canopy and whispered stories of family war until she took me by the hand to her white birch tree. Her house was encircled by their fragile foliage, or debris she liked to say. I loved it, with our knees upon the floor, where we had never carved our names into such empty cavities. It was here I taught her to outwrite my story; so syllables and sounds were undignified no more, until she took me by the hand to her white birch tree. On a string of silver winter, when I was twenty three she stopped coming to my window, and forever shut her door - where we had never carved our names into such empty cavities. Time was harsh, I decided, and sipped my green tea. I wouldn't walk the path that wound unto silence anymore, until she took me by the hand to her white birch tree where we had never carved our names into such empty cavities. If I were to touch you, would you bleed a velvet river, running miracles through the sodden ground? --Moi |
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| © Copyright 2004 Imbued - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
This is beautiful Eve... Soft and haunting, as if unfinished feelings left upon a ghostly walk. The love that was never expressed...so many images here. TD |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
I've read this many times over, and like the form and style, as well as the imagery it presents. Great write! coyote  |
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Susan Member Ascendant
since 2004-03-27
Posts 5104walking the surreal |
Haunting is a good word, like a ghost breeze stirring leaves - Susan Happiness isn't something that happens to you, it's created from within you. Joy is a state of mind. |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Just speak to me of Pennsylvania trees, and you have a reader, and a villahelle, too Very lovely Liz |
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garysgirl  
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
This is very beautiful, Eve. Thank you for sharing your writing. Hugs, Ethel |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
l#ved it, but there's something awkward in the transition between the first and second lines of the poem, needs a little rewording perhaps? |
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IndigoEve Member
since 2003-01-10
Posts 279Etched in the illusion of time |
A - I see what you're saying, and I hear it as well. My main problem is the way that darned first line has to fit in with the rest of the poem, and I can't figure how to have everything make sense around it, while still keeping the "until" where it is. Any suggestions? (Thanks to everyone else as well. I'm a very stealthy shadow when responding to my things, and tend not to thank people often. *blush*)If I were to touch you, would you bleed a velvet river, running miracles through the sodden ground? --Moi |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
tough one, this is why I usually stay clear of form poetry grins. the repeating lines work incredibly throughout the poem so of course you can't change them. it's the second line, needs a stronger link to the first and third, but for the life of me i can't think of anything. but everything else is flawless so i wouldn't worry much. keep up the good work and keep posting |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Hauntingly beautiful and much enjoyed! Hugs~ ~Autumn..the year's last, loveliest smile.~ |
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Greeneyes
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
you are just amazing! ~~*~~ |
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babygirlwlove Senior Member
since 2004-10-10
Posts 1180New York City |
what whispering and haunting words trail on the wind...lovely... **babygirL** |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Lovely, lovely images here...haunting of smooth silk sounds...very, very nice. |
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muted
since 2004-01-15
Posts 2949Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving |
hmmm yes this IS nice keeping |
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