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Open Poetry #33

Waiting..For.. You..

Foxyoasis
Senior Member

since 2003-06-10

Posts 974
Atlantic Beach,Fla

0 posted 2004-07-11 08:42 PM

Waiting is the hardest thing for me to do
to not be with you is something I won't want
long to endure.

But still I press on untill the day till
I see your smiling face,your soft eyes
and feel your tender embrace.

Sadness takes over me as I cry out your
name in the night I reach over to see you
but only holding my pillow real tight.

tears dangle down my face as I wake to a
soaken pillow of sadness.

Fool me once shame on you.....Fool me twice shame on me.....

[This message has been edited by Foxyoasis (07-11-2004 10:53 PM).]

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

1 posted 2004-07-11 09:29 PM

A bed meant for two,  shared only by one
is not a wonderful place.  From a critique
view...you have until and till in the same
line,  you might try changing till to
"when"...just a thought.

Susan
Member Ascendant

since 2004-03-27

Posts 5104
walking the surreal

2 posted 2004-07-11 09:51 PM

I can feel the sadness, and agree, a bed meant for two is most lonely.

I offer a thought as well, that when you use one sense, continue with that, like

name in the night I reach over to see you
but only holding my pillow real tight.

rather "I reach over to feel you"

and here --

I see your smiling face,your soft eyes
your tender embrace.

add "feel your tender embrace.

Just a thought. This is something I had to work on when I wrote fiction and was often reminded of by my mentors.

Enjoyed the post.

Susan

Happiness isn't something that happens to you, it's created from within you. Joy is a state of mind.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

3 posted 2004-07-12 04:26 AM

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