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BluesSerenade
Member Patricius

since 2001-10-23

Posts 10549
By the Seaside

0 posted 2004-09-11 01:18 AM

I'm a check that doesn't add up
multiplied a thousand times
in spite of myself
minus me, missing you.

Signed and resigned by no other name
I am who I am, not someone I'm not
nor am I guilty of false identity
taking full responsibility.

I am often overdrawn paying a fee
sending me deeper in debt
even harder to balance
and start over again.

I passed you off
regretfully
then tried to stop payment
reworking the numbers one after another.

Depositing more than I could afford
only to turn around and withdraw
emptying my pockets
inside and out.

I have window shopped then walked away
because I wanted you too much
taking stock and inventory
save for real copper pennies.

Going up then going down
and all the more
I bargained for
spinning me around.

Like so many things we'll never have
will ever be
but there is no one who comes near
and nothing that compares

to the time I spent on you.

*Reposted and revised*

klm
Member

since 2004-09-07

Posts 58
New Orleans, Atlanta

1 posted 2004-09-11 01:54 AM

true love is bankable--but best, because of its value, that it be placed in a safety deposit vault, than in a common account of grantedness, where overdrafts are frequent. your words capture the pain of non-assessment. well done.

Kevo
Member

since 2004-06-02

Posts 466
Navarro County, Texas, USA

2 posted 2004-09-11 02:05 AM

Wow! This is the best I have read from you! It is brilliant. Poetry at its best. A superb metaphorical approach to a subject near and dear to everyone's heart. I was so incredibly pleased that I got to read this.

Kevin

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

3 posted 2004-09-11 05:27 AM

a great revision indeed

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

4 posted 2004-09-11 08:19 AM

great write, Lori

hugs
M

MyHeartofShadows
Member

since 2004-09-04

Posts 88
Hyattsville, MD

5 posted 2004-09-11 08:43 AM

Id gladly write a check for any amount (even for more than I have in the account) to recapture some of the time of before. This is a good poem because it brought back memories.

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

6 posted 2004-09-11 08:59 AM

BluesSerenade
A perfect BluesSerenade, enjoyed.

Mon Cherie

Senior Member

since 2001-10-31

Posts 922
Land of Never-ending Summers

7 posted 2004-09-11 10:11 AM

Your poem brought out the accounting instinct in me... haha... :P Really enjoyed this.

_,,,^.^,,,_
Florence

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius

since 2001-10-23

Posts 10549
By the Seaside

8 posted 2004-09-11 01:55 PM

Thank you so much, one and all!!

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

9 posted 2004-09-11 02:49 PM

Bluesy, sending a huge hug.. A beautiful
poem, heavy in meaningful metaphors that
ring so true...

miscellanea
Member Elite

since 2004-06-24

Posts 4060
OH

10 posted 2004-09-11 03:07 PM

I understand these analogies. You wrote it well!
miscellanea

inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-19

Posts 7392
Ohio

11 posted 2004-09-11 05:10 PM

you've hit the lottery with this one lorigirl and gave us much to ponder and invest in.

it's never easy is it? time invested, withdrawn , deposited, insufficient funds, like wealth and poverty, all will equal out in the end somehow.

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius

since 2001-10-23

Posts 10549
By the Seaside

12 posted 2004-09-11 08:09 PM

You're all much too kind, thank you~

Susan
Member Ascendant

since 2004-03-27

Posts 5104
walking the surreal

13 posted 2004-09-11 11:01 PM

Much enjoyed

Susan

Happiness isn't something that happens to you, it's created from within you. Joy is a state of mind.

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius

since 2001-10-23

Posts 10549
By the Seaside

14 posted 2004-09-12 12:50 PM

Thanks for stopping by, Susan~

Larry C

Member Patricius

since 2001-09-10

Posts 10286
United States

15 posted 2004-09-12 01:00 AM

Lori,
It's a tough way to go broke! But I like your spirit and your write.

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

16 posted 2004-09-12 01:07 AM

Yep, love's checking accounts can be a pain.
I never try to add anything up anymore. I'll be happy if at the end, I see a + sign before I close my life's account.

ice
Member Elite

since 2003-05-17

Posts 3404
Pennsylvania

17 posted 2004-09-12 08:56 AM

Lori
Sounds as if you should close your present account and maybe look into opening a new one. It is apparent that your love-bank account is never overdrawn at pip, these replies show that you have overdraw insurance and your checks are never returned for lack of funds...
enjoyed
--------ice/ford
><>

Come read to me some poem,
Some simple and heartfelt lay,
That shall soothe this restless feeling
And banish the thoughts of day.
Longfellow

vandana

Member Patricius

since 1999-10-22

Posts 10463
USA

18 posted 2004-09-12 09:55 AM

enjoyed

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius

since 2001-10-23

Posts 10549
By the Seaside

19 posted 2004-09-12 11:48 AM

Thanks for your witty and caring replies everyone, next time I won't go for broke.

If I wasn't on a fixed income before, I am now.

Account closed!!

Greeneyes

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-09-09

Posts 9903
In Your Poetic Mind

20 posted 2004-09-12 12:27 PM

Lori~

I use to ask my mom how we could be out of money with checks left (very young age) this brought back a few memories of my saying that.....keep your spirit and chin up....you are lovely -- I have no doubt love will write its name across your heart....hugssss you

I don’t want the world to see me
cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken I just want you to know who I am

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius

since 2001-10-23

Posts 10549
By the Seaside

21 posted 2004-09-12 12:40 PM

I know what you mean, my kids used to say the same thing
when I said I don't have the money, well why can't you just write a check Mom!

Anyway, thanks for your loving reply, Lady Lauren.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

22 posted 2004-09-12 12:43 PM

The revisions are good, Bluesy. They allow for more depth of metaphor, and allow disguised exclamations to come through. Congratulations on your 6,000th post!

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius

since 2001-10-23

Posts 10549
By the Seaside

23 posted 2004-09-12 01:26 PM

Thank you Karilea for all that you do,
and the warm hearted kindness you share.

Honeybunch
Member Rara Avis

since 2001-12-29

Posts 7115
South Africa

24 posted 2004-09-12 03:06 PM

I don't know how I missed this but I'm glad to have read it now. You haven't lost your touch! Oh, and fixed incomes are surely better than none which just goes to show that every dark cloud has a silver lining.

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius

since 2001-10-23

Posts 10549
By the Seaside

25 posted 2004-09-12 04:20 PM

just goes to show that every dark cloud has a silver lining.

There you go!! Thanks for that~
Hugs, Helen~

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