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Kahlil
Senior Member

since 2003-04-12

Posts 1881

0 posted 2004-09-09 03:29 AM

moving from the state of reality
across the line to insanity
i kept my hands busy
splitting rails and sheets and hairs
while amber days drank me
til the sign on the night said closed

gave away everyone and
everything i thought i wanted
and now pace restless
could i be swallowed whole
by the ordinary and mundane
and wouldn’t that be ironic

did i breathe frozen
the water’s ripples
that form this motionless wake
word blankets are
my only warm comfort
in the night

do i have to wear this shirt
of threads with no life left
unmoving and unseen
must my vision still the dancers
on a drum beat with no time
to a cry that hangs mid-air

vibrations of find and feel me
i seek in echoing rooms
while learning two not need
have i always wanted this
a car screeches to the corner
and the boys ask for a light

sanity and i disappear into the night

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

1 posted 2004-09-09 05:41 AM

Dear Khalil, I appreciated your write, very impressive.
Love, Margherita

LeeJ
Member Patricius

since 2003-06-19

Posts 13296

2 posted 2004-09-09 07:34 AM

impressively powerful, a lot of questions we all ask ourselves, this was an intense personfication of soul searching...very much enjoyed...tremendous write

Dark Stranger
Member Patricius

since 2001-03-19

Posts 13631
West Coast

3 posted 2004-09-09 08:14 AM

now it is today
and you are a different person
sure injoyed your music here ms

MGROVES

Member Elite

since 2004-02-01

Posts 3802
california

4 posted 2004-09-09 04:24 PM

very good

quatro
Member

since 2003-04-29

Posts 392
Galveston, Texas

5 posted 2004-09-09 04:30 PM

"gave away everyone and
everything i thought i wanted
and now pace restless
could i be swallowed whole
by the ordinary and mundane
and wouldn’t that be ironic"

I particularly liked this phrase. The whole poem itself is great! I enjoyed reading this aloud. My only suggestion (maybe not to your taste) is to insert punctuation for flow. Otherwise, good writing!

quatro

Kahlil
Senior Member

since 2003-04-12

Posts 1881

6 posted 2004-09-09 09:04 PM

thanks everyone, for reading and feeling....

quatro: i wanted it to read as insanely as it played in my head, so thank you, i must have come close...you should see the handwritten draft!

K

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

7 posted 2004-09-10 03:56 PM

What an amazing storyteller!

I didn't want to stop reading.

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