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davidmerriman
Member

since 2003-04-30

Posts 123
Dallas, TX

0 posted 2004-08-24 07:02 PM

In an Airplane

The clouds are in mountains,
Little sideways faces,
And wispy little hands,
Streaming slowly forward.

The whir of engines goes
On and on. Back forward
And stomach still hollow,
Emptiness rushes in.

Mind slipping, that tender
Feeling, like dying and
Living, like holding on
To the bitterest piece,

Is all that you can feel.
You stare down the pathway,
Watching fears manifest
And gravitate inward.

Smoldering and heavy,
That picture, him and her
And it, burned horrific
Together all as one.

A shutter and a smile
Brings you back and centered,
Cheap plush and sighs, seatbelts
And salty little treats.

You turn your head and there,
Drifting by, is heaven,
Is a soft smile, love,
Hope, and tranquility.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2004-08-24 08:58 PM

I definately do not like to fly, but I liked this

aujussy wolf

Senior Member

since 2003-08-09

Posts 1215
Michigan

2 posted 2004-08-24 09:04 PM

great write , so much going on ....
~w

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

3 posted 2004-08-24 09:08 PM

Positive or negative? How about constructive?

There are moments in this that are working with imagery without over doing it, and moments that describe emotion through showing, rather than telling.

'Smoldering and heavy,
That picture, him and her
And it, burned horrific
Together all as one'

I think this is one of your strongest stanzas for example.

Several other of your stanzas however are weaker.

Is all that you can feel.
You stare down the pathway,
Watching fears manifest
And gravitate inward.

This is all about telling...perhaps think about how you could 'show' this instead?

A question for you: Do you have your stanzas divided into groups of four lines because you a, like it, b, think that it's an appropriate form for your poem or c, believe that a poem has to be formatted that way?

It's my feeling this poem could do with a little loosening up...play with your line structure. It's very regimented.

The ending?

It reads like a wrap up, as if you've squeezed it out to make it neat and tidy. Another question - does it have to be neat and tidy?

Thanks for the read

K

davidmerriman
Member

since 2003-04-30

Posts 123
Dallas, TX

4 posted 2004-08-24 10:44 PM

thanks for the comments! i agree now that the last stanza sounds like a wrap-up, you are totally right! I actually didn't mean for it to be like that; the poem is based off of some emotions i felt during a plane ride. What happened to me was that I was dwelling on an incident that happened in the past, and then i look back at the clouds and just enjoyed the beauty and that was it.

i am going to edit the poem accordingly, because the end really is cheesy to me now. it's funny though, i never saw it that way.

anyways, thanks for reading and any other comments are appreciated.

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

5 posted 2004-09-21 08:06 PM

wow what a great poem! i have a question for you though. Are you related to joseph merriman(sp?) jw cause my dad hauls hay to him in dallas or somewhere near there!

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