One Incapable of Love, Book I

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Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

0 posted 1999-09-29 09:24 AM

Inspired by Fyodor Mikhailovish Dostoevsky's "Notes from Underground".

I

Softly scream the gentle snowflakes,
drifting down in heavy sheets,
screaming her name, immoral perfection,
root of vexation myself to be.
And thus so enamoured, emotions meander
to settle upon my destiny.

Lize, soft creature,
I did she love,
yet fear gripped my heart
at losing control of human
possessions I never could own.
Others, though kind,

oppressive and stupid became to me,
lies upon lies of
self-fulfilled prophecy,
for hate breeds hate,
and loathing, loathing.
What caused such an

animosity so great
as to drive one underground
for forty years?
Which is more intolerable:
the fear of love,
or the hatred of dependency?

So the questions rise and run
whilst reading more between the lines.
Through neurotic ravings
my fear was seen:
to be loved,
to be liked,

to conform.
Yet even now this too
could simply be the lies
of one who fears himself.
Threatened by thoughts of
happiness, choosing to be

the most miserable of all
creation. Still I wonder,
what is the wall?
Still the waves come crashing,
resounding their challenge to
mice and men. The men of action

charge into the maelstrom,
waiting to show their bravado and skill;
whilst the mice simply ride the waves,
buoyant though not complacent,
complaining bitterly of the hand Life
has dealt them, yet doing nothing to alter

their fortune, simply riding the waves,
complaining of seasickness but refusing to
swim to shore, hating the water and the other
mice, loathing and wishing to be "direct" persons.
Yet this too could be a lie,
contrived and delivered by the sickly mind.

Paranoia has coma and gone,
leaving disconsolation in its wake.
But of course, it is evident that
all speak ill of me, wishing to be shed
of my oppressive presence.
(My lack of etiquette in throwing myself

at my peers, then forsaking their company
could have nothing to do with this.)
Could it be that the wall is in fact the Laws of Nature?
It is true that twice two makes four,
regardless of whether we ask her permission or no.
Still, twice two making five is a good thing too...

II

Utopian settings come to view,
serene and austere,
peace and reason.
Everything in place with no exceptions,
for with something so precise
everything could not help but find its

rightful place in society--caste systems help.
Mankind's predictability mapped out and
categorized, tabulated mathematically, like
logarithms up to 108,000, and entered into an index;
or better still, there would be published certain
edifying works of the nature of encyclopedic lexicons,

in which everything will be so clearly calculated
and explained that there will be no more incidents or
adventures in the world.
How boring!
Naturally, mankind would rebel against such order;
it has before, unless, of course, the mice decide

it would be better to ride the waves of mediocrity,
fearing success while criticizing the successful
when they are confronted with the wall.
But still I ask, what is the nature of this wall?
Could this too be a lie,
a simple, if not cruel, joke?

Indeed, the biggest, most cruel joke
would be the life of this unfortunate.
Do I feign madness,
or is this simply the stricken mind
of circular reasoning and doubletalk?
For if, indeed, this utopian society could exist,

with all the deeds and thoughts neatly categorized,
who, I wonder, would control the encyclopedias?
Then would not this "ideal" society become a
totalitarian nation, terrorized by the men of action?
For they, not the mice upon the waves, would control
the books of reason within their crystal palace.

Has this not taken place within
this world before I was?
And has not this system, though perfect,
fail miserably despite its unabated
drive for industrialization at any cost?
Yes.

Do I not look between the lines
and see myself reflected in the
mousy mirror hanging awkwardly
upon this stone wall?
But what is this wall?
I do see me and I see thee,

Mankind's panorama in pungent hues.
To deny this would be a self-made lie.
But, then again, I could be lying now...

III

Curse this habitation
of forty years in dank dimness!
But did I not choose this existance?
Even so I am not to blame, rather those
self-confident men of action.
For without their sterling examples,

I would have nothing to envy
and would not have want of change.
But they have set examples,
being men of action,
and so I will envy,
though I would not for a moment

trade them my present life
for theirs. In this I must be content.
But I will laugh at them when at last
this stony wall they confront and fail,
all in one great deed.
Yes! I will laugh and humiliate them,

exacting my pound of flesh
for their gleaming examples of my own
shortcomings!
For were it not for their examples
I would have no fault.
Or could it be that I am a coward

when it comes to self-accountability?
Or am I lying...

Alicat the persnikitty

[This message has been edited by Alicat (edited 09-29-1999).]

Nicole
Senior Member

since 1999-06-23

Posts 1835
Florida

1 posted 1999-09-29 12:43 PM

I was hoping you'd post this...on to read Book II

Michael

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-13

Posts 7666
California

2 posted 1999-09-29 12:58 PM

This is simply incredible, Alicat.

------------------
Michael Anderson

May Darkness find you all through the day.

JennyLee
Senior Member

since 1999-09-01

Posts 1461
Northwestern, NJ.

3 posted 1999-09-29 03:49 PM

Awesome! on to read book II...

Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

4 posted 2000-03-04 11:45 PM

Had to dust off this one as well...wouldn't want to confuse people by seeing part II without part I.

Alicat

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