One Incapable of Love, Book II

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Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

0 posted 1999-09-29 08:57 AM

Inspired by Fyodor Mikhailovish Dostoevsky's "Notes from Underground".

I

Friends? Bah!
Friends are but a buzzing nuisance,
simply flies around a dung heap!
Even I once entertained
the dizzying notion that I too
was in need of camaraderie;

but this too did pass
as all notions do.
Were not they too friends,
or at least classmates at one time in my dim history?
Can it be that of all the people
of all the world

I am the only one who is unique?
They are but fools!
I could shape them,
culture them,
but no!
Let them rot in their own ignorant depravity.

I imposed.
I know they hate me
but I will have my revenge.
I vow revenge, but in my heart
I know that I will never do anything
to them. I will simply ride the waves

until I drown with all the others in our
self-created underground.
Why am I so impulsive?
Repulsive?
I build grand scenarios
that never come to be,

castles on the beach
near the water's edge
waiting for the waves to come
crashing, proclaiming their
ignoble triumph over the mice
of the world.

I hate it, them,
those self-proclaimed
"men of action,"
ugly beasts who never rant
as I am ranting now.
I wish to drag them down

to the Underground and force
them to see their own depravity,
knowing this will never be...

II

Then came she,
daughter of the midnight hour.
And I knew I loved her, and she me,
but never would I admit this to anyone,
not even myself.
Yet I am blind,

blinded by my own self-hate and fury
at the world who steps up
to the impassable wall
and has the audacity to say
"What wall?"
But then when rage did grip

and hold me tight,
I chanced upon this girl,
Lize, dark-eyed and
waiting, waiting for someone
to rescue her from herself.
And I knew, I knew that I could

rescue her, teaching her,
expanding her mind and horizons.
My only condition was total control.
Invisible edge, invisible whip
unconsciously struck from
force of habit.

Could this be from my fear of exposing my weakness and need for
companionship which I disavowed
so long ago?
I know I'm weak,
a simple mouse,

but can I ever show this
to another? No.
I never guessed,
I never knew
the feeling she almost
set free for me.

Instead I misread,
berating and scorning
her presence, bringing
her to the brink of grief
then leaving her to deal with
herself alone.

Who needs her?
Who needs anyone?
I do.
But I'll never confess such
to anybody, even though I just
have--I could have been lying;

in fact, I think I have been lying
this entire time.
However, I know that I am above
lying, never telling such a mistruth
to none save me.

III

Finally came she
when I did not expect her.
Most inopportune timing,
when at last I confronted that beast,
Apollon, that incessant vexation
upon the placidity of what my life

could be without his presence,
even though we both know I could
not make it without him,
but this I'll never admit...
Still she came at the height
of my vexation and rage

to my eternal shame.
Still she came when I retired,
my composure there to regain.
She would not leave!
Couldn't she feel my displeasure
at her soothing presence?

Leave me to my underground hell!
This was all her fault!
Anyone else's but mine!
So on her my wrath does fall,
scattering thoughts that could
have been for me.

Knowing that she'll never love me,
knowing that I can't love her
leaves me empty,
lonely in my underground abode.
Alone, alone, alone.
Now the wall is evident.

The wall is me,
or rather,
my inability to love
none save me,
even though in reality
I cannot love myself.

But that was in my youth,
being still in the present,
and tomorrow seems to look the same.
Thus alone and contradictory I will
yet be, despising my behavior,
but not wishing to swim to shore,

even though my fur is soaked through
and sinking slowly
in the mighty waves.
I lie...

Alicat the persnikitty

Nicole
Senior Member

since 1999-06-23

Posts 1835
Florida

1 posted 1999-09-29 12:56 PM

I have to say that I would definately like to read that which inspired this monologue. On my first read, I stumbled. The breaks in thought caused by the creation of a new stanza, in certain places, were hard for me to follow. Upon a second read, it seemed to fit...going with the general 'feel' of the monologue. I'm interested in how you would read this aloud.
I think the final three stanzas sum this piece up nicely, indeed. Well done as always, and thank you for letting me finally see this!

Michael

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-13

Posts 7666
California

2 posted 1999-09-29 01:25 PM

Indeed, very well done.

------------------
Michael Anderson

May Darkness find you all through the day.

JennyLee
Senior Member

since 1999-09-01

Posts 1461
Northwestern, NJ.

3 posted 1999-09-29 03:52 PM

It was so easy for me to read.
I really enjoyed it!!

Jenny

Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

4 posted 2000-03-04 11:43 PM

Just dusting this one off....been awhile since it's seen dusk.

Alicat

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