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Dark Poetry #1
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OBLIVION
Junior Member
since 1999-10-04
Posts 21


0 posted 2000-01-13 12:38 PM


I feel quelled tears ripping at me
Starting with nimble fingers
In the depths of my stomach
And clawing anxiously outward.
Imagine all it took was one careless tone
Unknown to the speaker
But nonetheless bludgeoning my wavering spirit.
With every catch of breath
I fight a mighty cascade of my own fluids
As they wreak their havoc
On the way to visit the corners
Of my tightly clenched eyes.
I have forbidden myself it seems
Living in daily fear that if cry I should
Then I will be lost in tumultuously churning
Waters of a broken will
And unmendable spirit.
But now as I sit here bent to their will
Feeling their grip tighten
So that every inch of my body is choked
I am slipping away.
They are washing gulleys in me
Like the rain does to the hills
Of red clay dirt during a Mississippi storm.
If there was ever a time to be broken,
Why did it have to be now
When my facade of holding myself together
Is best penetrated?
Now I must race with words
To release the toxins
That sadness has drowned me in tonight.
The peace and solice found
In my reverence for the night
Has now maliciously been obliterated.
The thread I was hanging by,
Has snapped and I am a hapless heap
Upon the floor.

© Copyright 2000 OBLIVION - All Rights Reserved
Isis
Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296
Sunny Queensland
1 posted 2000-01-13 12:41 PM


My God such emotion, I feel your pain and sorrow, it's depressing me too!!  Well done my friend.  Hope after your writing this you feel better now??  ((HUGS))  

 Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen closely.
~Isis~
(Sovereign of the Spirit)



wayoutwalt
Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870
TEXAS (it's all big)
2 posted 2000-01-13 12:59 PM


free verse isnt zactly my expertise but yuh i like this verse tiz flows well and makes since (tiz importante when its lil ole me readin free verse that it makes since!!) o yuh and i dig the metaphor!!  

[This message has been edited by wayoutwalt (edited 01-13-2000).]

Bojopy
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 391

3 posted 2000-01-13 01:09 AM


I don't know why everyone says free verse.  What does that actually mean?  When someone writes anything isnt that free!!! The writing here was well taken and can be put in many situations in life.  I related it to a friend telling me somthing I already know. It hurts so much that I let them free from ever telling me somthing 'they' think will help me.  A great read thanks for sharing

 

"Write down what you say if what you say is not written down" (Bojopy)


dreemr
Junior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 34
Covington, LA, USA
4 posted 2000-01-13 01:16 AM


WOW...very vivid picture of fragility painted here..great work.
Alicat
Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094
Coastal Texas
5 posted 2000-02-05 01:57 AM


Well, I doubt anyone could be an expert in critiquing free verse, as the style defies classical techniques.

That being said, OBLIVION, this is one powerful poem.  The depth of the depressive angst rails and shouts to the dark infinite, "You might have won this battle, but you will NEVER win the war!!"

Alicat

Bronx
Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 84
Oviedo, Florida, U.S.
6 posted 2000-02-05 01:39 PM


WOW-
I loved it a lot.  Words fail me!
Poetically yours
Bronx

 Be careful!
It's a jungle out there!


AVANTI
Senior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 664
INDIA/MAHARASHTRA/PUNE
7 posted 2000-02-05 02:43 PM


It was painfully ...beautiful...
i was in a trance at the end of it
the theread i was hanging by has snapped ...and i am a hapless heap...upon the floor
still to come out of it
Avanti

 you don't have to understand completely..to love completely...
remember even the darkest night has a morning to meet...you'll understand someday..Avanti Rao



danni
Senior Member
since 1999-11-20
Posts 688
wisconsin
8 posted 2000-02-05 05:16 PM


powerful and so deeply felt and related to. very well done!

 Something has to change. An undeniable dilemma. But I am not a burden anyone should bear.
-Tool-

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