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Peach
Junior Member

since 2002-11-17

Posts 33

0 posted 2004-02-29 12:41 PM

(I would really appreciate your replies, be honest)

YOUR WORDS

The words infiltrated my mind like a knife
on its way to stab my heart
My face immediately drenched in tears
as I try to understand
Mad enough that I just want to walk away forever
yet I'm still begging, pleading for you to take it back
the words should have been unforgivable
but the emptiness I feel wants to let you back in
I even begin to blame myself
telling myself that I should ask for forgiveness
although I know I'm innocent
I just want you here
I want you to glue back the pieces of my heart
that you so clumsily threw to the ground

I'm still waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call, tell me you want me back
Why aren't you calling?
I'm expecting your call
Expecting something that isn't going to happen
fooling myself, deceiving my mind
believing a fantasy

Why is the world still turning?
It feels like life is over, like everything should stand still
Why are people smiling?
How can they be happy when everything is so horrible?

Your words were always so perfect
you made bad moods vanish with one whisper
But then you made everything come crashing down
with just a few harsh words
How could you be so cruel?
You changed everything, ruined everything
in a single moment
piercing me with your words

If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

J.Samm
Member

since 2004-01-12

Posts 415
Iloilo City, Philippines

1 posted 2004-02-29 11:38 PM

you have a very good imagination. this shows a lot of promise.

you can also try to cut your lines to make them more effective like:

The words infiltrated my mind
like a knife
on its way to stab my heart
My face
immediately drenched in tears
as I tr(ied) to understand
Mad enough
that I just want to walk away
forever
yet I'm still begging, pleading
for you to take it back
the words
should have been unforgivable
but
the emptiness I feel
wants to let you back in
I even begin
to blame myself
telling myself
that I should ask for forgiveness
although
I know I'm innocent
I just want you here
I want you
to glue back the pieces of my heart
that you
so clumsily threw to the ground...

have fun and write on!

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

2 posted 2004-03-01 11:56 AM

Hmm... you've done an incredible job of making each line stay in rhythm even though you're not using a rhyme scheme. That's not easy to do, but it makes for very nice free verse.

Well done.

-Lioness

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