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drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

0 posted 2004-02-02 12:38 PM

This was just a quick one, about a friend and his girlfriend.

A sit quietly, solitary
on a wooden stool, watching
as they kissed and caressed
on the plush sofa,
propped up by pillows,
with eager hands searching
through cushioned mazes,
to find each other’s fumbling fingers.

Alone I sit, staring,
transfixed,
on this endless affection,
amazed and bewildered,
at how lonely, they truly are.

Any comments would be great.

Paragon
Member

since 2003-02-16

Posts 114

1 posted 2004-02-02 12:45 PM

At first thought, the ending made me think of loneliness as in the typical "I'm lonely" or without another sense of loneliness. As I considered the ending for a moment longer, revelation came, a new perception... perhaps you, the author, meant that they were alone in their happiness, unable to see anything or anyone else. Or you could have meant that they were without match in their joy, alone, without peers. etc... just a random response.

-Paragon.

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

2 posted 2004-02-02 03:50 PM

its like they don't care for each other, their just trying to cure their own lonliness. That's what I got from it. And you, who are "alone" so to speak. Are not really, because you are aware of the reality of "love".
Great job. For being a quick write. this is really awesome.
post more

~Lex

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

3 posted 2004-02-02 04:06 PM

I really like this poem, I took the meaning to be as Lexy put it.
Excellent job, thanks for sharing.

W.W.
We were meant to live for so much more have we lost ourselves?
Maybe redemption has stories to tell maybe forgiveness is right where you fell.

Kristabell
Senior Member

since 2003-11-29

Posts 678
Portland, OR

4 posted 2004-02-02 06:56 PM

You mae a great point! Wow! Great write, it is a wonderous peace.

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

5 posted 2004-02-02 11:15 PM

Wow, i really like this. I think that this poem or you are trying to say, taht they dont really love each other, and they are both using each other or something like that, and that you can see it, and they cant. I dont know, thats just what i got out of it. I really liked this, it reminds me of two of my friends who went out with eachother. I hope to hear more.
~kissa~

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

6 posted 2004-02-03 01:14 AM

Thanks for the responses guys. (I'd love them to keep coming though).

You guys did understand what I was writing (which can sometimes be unclear). It is that they are simply in love with being in love, not eachother, and I can see it.

Thanks for the comments though

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

7 posted 2004-02-03 02:10 AM

Nicely done! I wouldn't have thought of that but its true. Some people just want to fall in love so badly that they end up falling in love with love and not each other. Good thoughts.
~Live and Laugh~

Because of you I laugh a little harder, smile a little more, and cry a little less
~Bella~

Michelle_loves_Mike

Senior Member

since 2003-12-20

Posts 1189
Pennsylvania

8 posted 2004-02-03 05:33 AM

Good job , but, one question,,,is the first word supposed to be "I"?
Michelle

I wish all could find the true happiness I have found,,in the eyes of Mike

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

9 posted 2004-02-04 01:22 AM

This is written with a very perceptive pen...

Some people go through their entire lives,
and never do learn the difference between
being in love with love and actually 'loving'...

I like the way you addressed it, and it made
for a powerful ending to a nicely written piece.

Well done...

~Vicky
"When the power of love overcomes the love
of power the world will know peace."
--Jimi Hendrix

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

10 posted 2004-02-04 11:22 PM

vlraynes -
Thanks for your kind words.

And yes, the first word is supposed to be I. Thanks for catching that.

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

11 posted 2004-02-15 03:54 PM

I've been in both positions many times before, but you've done the best job of putting it into words I've ever seen.

Very nice, I wouldn't change a thing.

I'll be looking for more.

~Lioness

Vixen28
Junior Member

since 2003-12-19

Posts 13
wise,va

12 posted 2004-02-16 08:24 PM

i loved this poem its really great

sweet_lost_palestinian1
Member

since 2004-01-08

Posts 90

13 posted 2004-02-16 11:32 PM

grea poemmmmmm...keep it upp

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

14 posted 2004-02-17 08:14 AM

To be in love with love.. ahh..

I remember that. I was in love with the idea of having someone around, with the idea of hearing "alyssanjustin" all the time, as though we were one person, as though he could make me a different person.

It's amusing when you really figure it out. This post wasn't what i was expecting, and the surprise was nice.

Awesome.

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

15 posted 2004-02-18 01:27 PM

hmmm...the good thing about this poem is that it has multiple meanings to the reader. i understand what you were trying to say, but heres what i got out of it. It seems as though the touching and caressing come out of their own insecurities, yet they think themselves more secure than any. they are fooled. we are all fooled. the pillows, to me, symbolized their cares and worries. the pillows "held up" their relationship. they struggled with them and in the end will probably throw them away from discomfort and the same constant thing in the way. the relationship ends then. well, thats just what i got out of it. i thought it to be a great write. the imagery was great and the symbolism (or at least what i understood to be symbolism) was great as well. good work.
-alex

Manth88
Junior Member

since 2003-06-15

Posts 45
IL, USA

16 posted 2004-02-18 10:24 PM

Hey I like it alot, and I can relate to that. But good write, and hope to see more from you.

*^!Manth88!^*

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

17 posted 2004-02-19 11:51 PM

Wow, thanks for all the replies. I went out of town for a week, and I see 16 responses to my old poem. It means a lot.

Young -
Good take on it. The whole 'insecurities' thing was right on the money, and exactly what I was going for. The pillow symbolism was good, and definelty made me think about it, but it wasn't intended. Thats why I try to write ambiguous poems, that can be taken different ways.

Anyways, thanks all for the comments and suggestions.

UnsilencedWords666
Member

since 2003-11-19

Posts 63
Broken Memories & Falling Tears

18 posted 2004-04-13 06:54 PM

I know this is kinda a late response...but none the less I will still post it...

I really enjoyed reading this poem and it was very intense...it made me kinda look at me and my ex, how we were together but not for the right reasons...rather just to be seen together and for physical purposes...thanks for writing something so truth-telling...amazing job [as always]....

*~*nessa bear*~*

You can’t choose who you are Only what you will be Why can't you choose To let me be me...*~*Nessa Bear*~*

sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member

since 2004-04-11

Posts 418
Earth

19 posted 2004-04-14 01:16 AM

wow....nice poemm...gr888 keep it upp

wishing on a star
Junior Member

since 2003-12-03

Posts 19
sleeping in my warm bed =)

20 posted 2004-04-14 08:13 AM

nice like it a lot!! most definately an excellent job!!
<33~Chloey

young naive & vulnerable to the world

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

21 posted 2004-04-14 08:44 AM

Well done.

"I...I bleed...For no one..but myself...For me and no one else!"~ MudVaYne

xno4everx
Junior Member

since 2004-04-08

Posts 14
NY

22 posted 2004-04-14 10:57 PM

i like it...very open-ended =]

//..Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one..\\

Deep_Inside
Member

since 2002-02-14

Posts 377
i can't stop hiding

23 posted 2004-04-17 01:24 PM

I didn't like this one that much until it took a different meaning every time i read it. this poem is grate virtue and sometimes peoples best stuff come when we just jot something down...keep writing

when you live you begin to die
when you die memories of you life lives in others
when memories of you begin to fade
you truly begin to die

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

24 posted 2004-04-17 02:54 PM

Great Write!!!

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