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Cinderelly
Member

since 2001-12-31

Posts 189
NM, USA

0 posted 2004-04-14 08:50 PM

Graduation (too soon, yet not soon enough)

That 12 yr old you made cry
will cry again today.
She will walk up that stage
and scan the crowd,
(knowing but still hoping)
and she'll cry.

Crying the tears
not because she's hurt
because it's all come to an end,
and not at all the way she imagined.

You don't make promises that you can't keep,
but I promise you this,
you will always be with me.

Graduation (too soon, yet not soon enough)

Goodbye.

+I really need suggestions and feedback on this. I plan to give it to a friend before Graduation and it's no where near finished . . . HELP!+

[This message has been edited by Cinderelly (04-15-2004 01:45 AM).]

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

1 posted 2004-04-14 10:40 PM

I agre with you about the not finished part, but what youve got so far is pretty good. I dunno how to really help you on that though. Just write down whatever comes to your heart...even if it sounds gay, or doesnt rhyme. Very amazin so far though.

I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling

Cinderelly
Member

since 2001-12-31

Posts 189
NM, USA

2 posted 2004-04-15 01:45 AM

Thanks for your suggestions. Anyone have more? -Jamie

Life is a moderately good play w/ a badly written thrid act. - Unknown

Fleur
Member

since 2004-04-09

Posts 103

3 posted 2004-04-15 11:25 AM

I love the start! I agree, it doensn't rhyme, but it sounds good anyway because it's a sad and cute poem, so I don't think it has to rhyme. But if it did it would be very very good!

-it's really good!

Deep_Inside
Member

since 2002-02-14

Posts 377
i can't stop hiding

4 posted 2004-04-17 01:51 PM

This definitely had the hole graduation theme but it lacked body maybe try adding things that will be missed now or things that have been taken for granted hope that helps a little other than that i like the poem...keep writing

when you live you begin to die
when you die memories of you life lives in others
when memories of you begin to fade
you truly begin to die

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