new poem please respond - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

broken627
Member

since 2003-11-26

Posts 66
Eugene Oregon

0 posted 2004-01-18 12:23 PM

my heart body mind and soul
are all under your ruthless control
im finding myself in a familiar place
of sadness and feelings of disgrace
im sorry i hurt you
im tearing myself apart
thinking of the new girl
taking my part
i should just get over it
your no good for me anyway
you never cared and to you this was all a game
but dont worry about me
lonliness is no new thing
i guess i was wrong
this was just a fling
ill be seeing you tonight
our eyes will meet and our hands will greet
but i wont be able to speak
you captured something from within me
that only you can possess
and all im getting from you is stress
all i am now is a lonely girl
without a soul
who is under your complete control
and your just a boy
who has no idea your my whole world
and all i am to you i am just a toy

sweet_lost_palestinian1
Member

since 2004-01-08

Posts 90

1 posted 2004-01-18 12:51 PM

really reallly good ...keep it up.....

Ixxi
Member

since 2004-01-02

Posts 77
England

2 posted 2004-01-18 02:08 PM

It's quite good.
it's not really that original, but i like the "you captured something from within me/that only you can possess" part.

I don't really know, there was something about this poem that didn't interest me.
I think you are a good writer however.

ascending_ecstasy
Member

since 2004-01-21

Posts 102

3 posted 2004-01-22 02:21 AM

Watch the structure.

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

4 posted 2004-01-26 05:41 PM

this was... well, i have heard this many times before,and i would be lying if i said i wasnt a little sick of it, but i do like this poem. It wasnt original, but hey, neither are mine! lol I like it. maybe not being original, is original?!?!?!? lol
Hope to hear more!
~kissa~

**~kissa~**
*I wanna be a little more like me, and a little less like YOU!*~ Linkin Park

Snickers123
Member

since 2004-05-07

Posts 94
United States-Iowa

5 posted 2004-07-10 11:05 PM

I really liked it! I can see the emotion behind it, awesome write, hope to hear more!!

~*.:Leah:.*~

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

6 posted 2004-07-10 11:13 PM

hey broken...i really enjoyed reading your poem.

Some of the rhyming sounded a little forced. Such as "soul" and "control", but it was no big deal.

Overall...nice poem. GREAT JOB!!

~Alli~

BrokenDreams
Member

since 2003-02-09

Posts 425
In The Clouds

7 posted 2004-07-10 11:59 PM

hey, I definetly understand the emotion behind it. I would, however, suggest that you use punctuation in your poetry. It's easier to read and get into that way.(In my opinion anyway) The rhymes were a little forced, and the beat was a little off. Sorry, I'm not trying to sound overly critical, I really do like the poem. Thanks for the read.
Jen

"The course of true love never did run smooth." -William Shakespeare

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.