A Lonely Fireside's Chill---IMPORTANT

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young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2004-01-13 05:14 PM

so i'm planning ahead for valentines day early and i'm thinking of giving this poem to my friend. i need some killer feedback on this one guys. tell me what you think of various parts. tell me what should be changed and GIVE SUGGESTIONS TOO!!! thanks everyone.

A Lonely Fireside's Chill

This spring-broken couch
Is just barely supporting my heavy thoughts
And the gas fireplace is set at 62 degrees,
Just warm enough to keep cold the hands i brought.
The phone to me left looks
As ded as the trees fallen outside the window,
But it was more alive than any newborn
That has seen life's light, just shallow minutes ago.
I have to correct the aim of my prayers
Because you interrupt my worship so many times,
You cannot help it for you do not know
The way's you inspire me, even to these rhymes.
Please press your finger on the buttons
That will call me out of contemplation and silence
And force me to realize that i love your voice
But i cannot stand to hear my own insolence.
I'll never forget the fragrance that you spread around,
Covering my coat with leftovers of you,
It keeps me sitting still in this spot,
Inhaling the memories on me that still smell new.
Maybe I'll see you tomorrow,
Maybe the day after the following;
Maybe I'll call you this minute,
Maybe our goodbyes will be left stalling.
Back to my quiet, unnoticed prayers
That float on clouds to God in heaven,
But each one bears your name, Erika,
I'm here keeping infedility leaven.

-alex

now im alone, but not lonely like before

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

1 posted 2004-01-13 08:19 PM

Alex -
First of all, awesome job.  I can tell you took your time with this one and made each word mean something.
I also suggest posting this in another forum here (maybe you already have) just because you will probably not get the amount of critiquing you want on this piece.

Just a couple quick comments on things to change (I also have a 10 page Psychology paper due tommorrow though, so I'll try to post again tommorrow).

The last line bothers me, although it sounds excellent with the ones above it, it doesn't seem to make sense (atleast not to me).

"I'm here keeping infedelity leaven."

If infedelity means unfaithfullness to a partner, and leaven means to rise, aren't you saying "I'm here, keeping my lack of loyalty rising?"  I dont think that is what you are trying to.

The first word that came to mind for your blank in the 6th line was LONELY when I read it, however you can probably come up with something more creative, especially if you change the 7th line from fallen trees to something that would draw people near.

Some of the images you create here are so beautiful.  "seen life's light, just shallow minutes ago" and "covering my coat with leftovers of you" are great lines.

But please, I recomend posting this in other forums to get feedback from others that know a lot more than me.

I definetly enjoyed this one.  Well done, and good luck on Valentines day.

candi
New Member

since 2004-01-15

Posts 2

2 posted 2004-01-15 11:44 AM

hey i am new here but i will give it my best shot
i think that it is very good and i am really not sure yet on what needs to be changed but i will write back when i find it just wanted to say good job

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

3 posted 2004-01-15 02:15 PM

First of all, alex, if any guy ever gave me a poem like that one.. I would cry. The sweetness is literally tearing me up right now..

Um, aside from a few minor errors or whatver, and that last line.. I think you've got it.

Good luck! Wish me luck too, because I think I'm going to need it.

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

4 posted 2004-01-15 04:12 PM

thank you all for the suggestions and comments. read my finished poem and tell me what you guys think. thanks!!
-alex

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