A Lonely Firside's Chill (Revised and hopefully finished)

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Teen Poetry #7

A Lonely Firside's Chill (Revised and hopefully finished)

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2004-01-15 04:07 PM

A Lonely Fireside's Chill

This squeky, spring-broken couch
Is struggling to support my heavy thoughts
And the gas fireplace is set at 62 degrees,
Just warm enough to keep cold the hands i brought.
The rotary phone to my left looks
As ded as the trees fallen outside the window,
But it was more alive than any newborn
That has seen life's light, just shallow minutes ago.
I need to correct the aim of my prayers
For i have sent them off to you many times,
My thoughts are fighting with the God messages i send,
And i cannot crush them like just any rock quarry lime.
Please press your finger on the buttons
That will call me out of contemplation and silence;
Stuttering words escorted by racing thoughts are verbalized,
Yet i cannot stand it, I will not stand for my insolence.
I'll never forget the fragrance that you spread around,
Covering my coat with leftovers of you,
It keeps me sitting still in this spot,
Inhaling the memories on me that still smell new.
Maybe I'll see you tomorrow,
So you can stop the minute hand's rising and falling;
Maybe I'll call you this blessed, blissful hour,
And again our goodbyes will be left stalling.
Back to my quiet, unnoticed prayers
That float on clouds to God in the unknown above,
But each one bears your name, Erika,
And they all say "Let me find her true love."

well thats what im gonna give to her i think. tell me what you guys think of the finished product!!
-alex

now im alone, but not lonely like before

duncan idaho
Member

since 2003-11-14

Posts 70
dune

1 posted 2004-01-15 06:41 PM

this is good

think of better adjectives than cold and new, and then get an good descriptive word to go with fragrance.

I know this sounds like an english teacher, but change-"sent them off to you" to "sent them to you"

i know you wanted some input, but the poem is too good to critique. (and too personal)

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

2 posted 2004-01-15 07:07 PM

I like it.

Good luck kid!

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