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arpgeggio
New Member

since 2006-08-31

Posts 3

0 posted 2006-08-31 02:23 AM

This is actual a song I just made. I've played guitar for a long time but finally decided to put lyrics on it. Tell me what I can improve on.

you're with him
(you're with him)
wasting your time
and i am too
thinking of you
and what do to

(chorus)
why cant i get over you
it feels like we just met this noon
everytime we talk i fall back in
this neverending scene
suck me me out of this dream

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

1 posted 2006-08-31 09:03 AM

Hi arpgeggio,

Welcome to piptalk!~ Home of the one and only teen poetry forum full of stargals annoying replies

lol

Okay, I'm not really sure what to tell you on the lyrics of this song - reason being is that I have no melody to go with. I know that as a whole I liked the words, probably need to think about adding more verses, but what you have now is a great start.

The chorus would have to be my favorite though; Although, the last line in that kind of loses the flow of the rest of the song, if ya know what I mean? Yet, that's just my opinion, wait until you see what others say before you go on anything I say! lol

Adios~! Once again welcome!

"I pray thee, O God, that I
may be beautiful within."
–Socrates
@-->---

arpgeggio
New Member

since 2006-08-31

Posts 3

2 posted 2006-08-31 10:17 AM

Thanks, well at least you didn't say it completely sucked. I appreciate the feedback.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

3 posted 2006-08-31 12:29 PM

welcome to Pip

I like this, but seems as though it's just the begining...I'd like to see more of it.

arpgeggio
New Member

since 2006-08-31

Posts 3

4 posted 2006-08-31 08:01 PM

Yeah it's not really done actually, it's just one verse and a chorus. I need two verses and a bridge.

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

5 posted 2006-09-04 10:34 PM

yay WELCOME TO PIP

i'd have to agree with stargal the home of her annoying relpies:P haha kidding it's acually nice to hear her replies... well...anyway nice first post i like reading songs on pip so your greatly appreciated it was short but keep adding more to it and you might have something... hope to read more soon...
hunnie*

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your
heart.

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

6 posted 2006-09-04 11:02 PM

Welcome to Pip! I really enjoyed this.

~Alli~

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