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beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

0 posted 2006-07-29 06:47 PM

I believe this is a different style than a lot of people are used to.

oh, daddy, hold me again
like when i was little
oh, daddy
remember the sunsets
your big and calloused hands
grasping firmly, lovingly
my small and tanned hands
my fingers are thin and long
and yours are thick and long
enclosed around mine
oh, daddy, watching me
and i admire the colors
blue and purple and pink and orange
mixed into a pastel painting
and the moon is coming, daddy!
why is the moon shining, daddy,
when i can still see the sun?
oh, daddy, your answers are beautiful
like a poet
describing how the sun first talks to the moon
before leaving
and it doesn't even make sense
but it is beautiful
and i am beauiful
as you admire me
i am beautiful
you tell me, daddy
i am a butterfly
and you are my cocoon
because you made me
i am yours
and you will always protect me.

but, daddy, you cannot protect me anymore
my hands have GROWN, daddy
and yours grasp not my thin fingers
but only the cool, perspiring beer bottle
poisoning your liver
poisoning your motor functions
poisoning your mind
oh, daddy, you can NOT protect me anymore
because i don't know how to grasp your hand
because i grasp only your hidden beer bottles
and throw them away
praying to a god i don't believe in
that you might be my daddy for just one day

but you will never be my daddy again
because i am not your beautiful baby anymore
i am nothing
nothing, you tell me
swaying and smelling of stale whisky
you are nothing
i hear
and i TRY, daddy
but i am not smart like you were
i cannot do the math in my head
counting, multiplying, divinding
i can't do it
but i can smell
on your breath
the tragic waste of knowledge
burned out by alcohol
i am nothing
my test reads
the third letter of the alphabet
screaming you are nothing
with merely one letter
screaming you are nothing
with the stale whisky on your breath
screaming
oh, daddy, where are the sunsets

why do i dream
why do i think
these beautiful thoughts
painted with pastels
that i buy cheap with babysitting money
why do i draw these beautiful pictures
why do i throw away your hidden alcohol
oh, daddy, why did you leave me
alone with the fading sun

by emily.

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

1 posted 2006-07-29 11:44 PM

BiC... Wow.. I love this.. And believe me.. many styles of poetry come through this. So express in any way you feel. I hope that you enjoy the site like I have.. This was a very emotional deep first post.. GREAT JOB!!

WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!!!

~Heather~

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

Decaflame
Senior Member

since 2001-05-11

Posts 1635

2 posted 2006-07-30 09:42 AM

An excellent poem, Emily.

Welcome to Passions!

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

3 posted 2006-07-30 08:20 PM

Hi Emily,

What an amazing poem! Yet, an even more amazing first post. I must admit that I'm slightly jealous, my first post was rather rotten... lolz

Welcome to piptalk! I hope you enjoy the site, it's always nice to see a new face around here.

I'll be interested in seeing more of your poems in the near future if they are even half as good as this one! Thanks a bunch for sharing with us

@-->---

cherrys_rule
Member

since 2006-03-18

Posts 442

4 posted 2006-07-30 08:56 PM

Hey Emily,

This was a beautiful poem. I hope to see more from you in the future.
Also Welcome to Pip. You'll love it here.

bekahlekah45
Senior Member

since 2006-03-14

Posts 533

5 posted 2006-07-30 11:04 PM

hey emily!
welcome to pip!
this was an amazing poem. it was very good and emotional...and sad...and just...YEAH
if this really happened man im so sorry.
this is so good..ahh i cant get over it!

AWESOME job!!

electricxheart
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 184
far away from home.

6 posted 2006-07-30 11:11 PM

wow, this was AMAZING.
i am speechless, so much emotion.
i love it, keep writing.
--kelly

beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

7 posted 2006-07-30 11:59 PM

Thanks, guys. I appreicate it. And thanks for welcoming me! I am, however, looking for critique. Am I allowed to post this in the critique forum?

davidmerriman
Member

since 2003-04-30

Posts 123
Dallas, TX

8 posted 2006-08-01 03:05 AM

the first stanza is ahead of the rest. after the first stanza the struggle to describe the distress and the emotion of the addiction lead into trite and forced language in comparison. i'd suggest keeping the same flow that sparked the first stanza and riding with it, and from this linguistic wave subtlely revealing the addiction. i rarely comment, so take this as a compliment.

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