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Teen Poetry #7
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walking forward
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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walking forward |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
i wrote this a long time ago Walking forward, not looking back Remembering my old life going bad. As I step, memories come I throw them away, choosing to run the air kissing my skin, just as i fly out of this madhouse into the sky. Voices try to tempt me back to the old but I look away my decision sold. keep on going, no turning around kept on going til I heard no sound burst through the dark, saw the light turning from the worng , begun to do right I want to fix what I have broken, I wish to unspeak words I have spoken I will plot a empty page become someone new moving fast out of my life, tears falling blurring my sight, no longer shall I have debts that are due To pay in blood for what I don’t need. To have to force my old scars, in pain to bleed bringing back thoughts I wish to ignore of when as a child I always wanted more. everything life ever gave me, now all that i gave up for a enternal price given now, given freely, given so Free. free from hurts, free from a haunting past, now free from my old Life |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Wow! This is a kind of chilling poem to read, especially when you start to read near the ending. Those last two stanzas are just… wow! Okay, I’m going to be kind of annoying and go through all the little stuff that, in my opinion, doesn't really fit with the poem, no offence early. This part for example; “keep on going, no turning around kept on going til I heard no sound” I don’t think that the “keep” and “kept” look right next to each other. The reason being is that they are different tenses, I think, and you can’t “keep” going and than be “kept” going? Well, you can but… it just looks kind of odd? So, I think that if this were my poem I would either have it as “keep” and “keep” or “kept” and “kept”, you know? If I’m wrong about this I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m not sure about how tenses and stuffs work… but I think that this is different tenses and for me it just looks kind of funny. – Also “til” needs another “L” just so you know. This part; “Voices try to tempt me back to the old” I don’t believe that it needs the “to the old” the reason being is because when you say, “voices try to tempt me back” it kind of means the same thing as “to the old” so it appears that you are repeating the obvious, or to me at least. Of course I’m not a poem expert or an expert of any kind so you can take or ignore my suggestions, as you will… "Walking forward, not looking back Remembering my old life going bad. As I step, memories come I throw them away, choosing to run the air kissing my skin, just as i fly out of this madhouse into the sky." My favorite part, the walking forward the flying from a madhouse, all of that ties so well together. I think that you did an amazing job on this stanza. I must admit that I believe this to be the best one in the whole poem, or at least my favorite. Thanks for sharing, it was a pleasure to read  @-->--- |
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cherrys_rule Member
since 2006-03-18
Posts 442 |
MAN STARGAL you almost took up the whole page. gosh!!!, J/k anyways this poem was so AMAZING!!! i HOPE TO SEE MORE OF YOUR WRITINGS LATER ON.! |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Sorry  @-->--- |
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