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Teen Poetry #7
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Sleepless Day
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Sleepless Day |
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the_hoodANDsheild Junior Member
since 2006-03-08
Posts 25Canada |
Hi there its been awhile since ive posted here...i dont know if anyone remebers me :S But im back...i just want some thoughts on this poem i wrote. I actualy wrote them as lyrics to a song ive written. But just tell me what you think...thanks  --------------------------------------------------- I ran away to see and find Another Life Another Time Just Ignore the fear in my eyes Never look back through my disguise Cant you see you hold the key? You are the one i want to see Sick of living this cloaked lie My veins are close to running dry Sleepless Day, Haunted Night Feel It, You know im right Falling down at first sight Sleepless Day, Haunted Night Everday Is a new Season Escape the thought of reason Jumping blindly into the fray Ready for another Sleepless Day |
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| © Copyright 2006 the_hoodANDsheild - All Rights Reserved | |||
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hey! Yes, I do remember you; I always remember your great poetry too! It’s been awhile I see… Umm, I like it; I’d love to be able to hear what the song sounds like, the melody, maybe you have it on a site where we can listen to it? Because I’m sure we’d be able to judge better if we could hear it… but all in all I thought it was good. The stanzas/verses were interesting, although, at times I felt like you jumped around a little too much, no offence, just my honest opinion. I’m not that good with music unless it’s my own so if I were you I would ignore me… lolz "Just Ignore the fear in my eyes Never look back through my disguise Cant you see you hold the key? You are the one i want to see Sick of living this cloaked lie" I loved this part, the cloaked lie and the disguise part a lot. It's something that is used often, no offence, but never grows old for me. It's always a neat comparison to life situations... Thanks for sharing; I enjoyed reading your song/poem. I hope you will continue to post more, if not more often  @-->--- |
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cherrys_rule Member
since 2006-03-18
Posts 442 |
I don't really remember you that well... sorry. But I really liked this. Is it just part of the song you are writing, or is this all you have right now? I really like this part you wrote: Sleepless day, Haunted night Feel it, you know I'm right Falling down at first sight sleepless day, haunted night I really like that part. Good job on this. I really enjoyed reading it. |
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to*sing*is*a*work*of*art New Member
since 2006-01-18
Posts 6 |
Ohhhh, I loved this song/poem, it was great. My favourite lines were:- 'Sick of living this cloaked lie My veins are close to running dry' And:- 'Jumping blindly into the fray Ready for another Sleepless Day' I liked the first set because they use great imagery, which I believe is essential in a good poem (or song), and I like the second because they rounded the song off nicely. Nice, final words - condemming words, if you like. The poem's also got great flow. I find that songs often tend not to work very well unless they're sung, because they might not appear to have a good rythmn. But in short, (I tend to ramble on a bit too much) your poem works well. Congratulations. It's one of those rare time where I wish I'd written someone else's poem. |
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