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rebel~angel
Member

since 2006-06-20

Posts 71
Iowa USA

0 posted 2006-06-29 10:09 PM

So... I REALLY want to know what you think.

I'm falling through the loosely woven mesh of human society
The rotten garbage of lost and broken dreams
releasing noxious fumes of hate and despair
and belching bubbles of hope on which my dreams are caught
blooming upward toward the sun
the gold of life and living mixed with silvery love
but I'm barely hanging on
any breeze- no matter how light and gentle
fills me with the fear of falling to the ground
for if I fall
there's no one there
to help me stand and brush off any dust
there's no one there
who will even care
that my dreams have gone on
without me
and been crushed

Remember:Tuck your chin, you're going to get hurt, so expect it and be ready. You might as well see it coming.
-Elizabeth Haydon, Requiem for the Sun

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2006-06-29 10:18 PM

i liked choice of words, really descriptive, and creative
really interesting choice of words, alot of words alone that are descripive, you put them together and it made a very mind gripping read. nice job.

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

2 posted 2006-06-29 11:49 PM

I agree.. very interesting choice of words.. one word I didn't like used in this poem was belching... but maybe that's just me.. this was a really good poem.. great job..

very deep.

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

3 posted 2006-06-30 08:53 PM

"I'm falling through the loosely woven mesh of human society
The rotten garbage of lost and broken dreams
releasing noxious fumes of hate and despair
and belching bubbles of hope on which my dreams are caught
blooming upward toward the sun"

Wow... I love the descriptivness you used in this! It was so amazing, the way you described this in so many different ways, it's simply brilliant!

Btw, Welcome to pip, this is an awesome first post by you! I can't wait to see more in the near future

@-->---

latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

4 posted 2006-06-30 11:52 PM

Welcome to piptalk!
Great first post!
I really like how discriptive you are and your choise of words was excelent. Heather, I kinda disagree with you. I think that word discribes it (or at least what i think it is

) perfectly. Very nice.

                  Jessica

rebel~angel
Member

since 2006-06-20

Posts 71
Iowa USA

5 posted 2006-07-01 04:31 PM

Thanks everybody! I really appreciate the comments. You're so nice!

Remember:Tuck your chin, you're going to get hurt, so expect it and be ready. You might as well see it coming.
-Elizabeth Haydon, Requiem for the Sun

punkrockerrobin

Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 1180
Sparks, NV

6 posted 2006-07-21 11:28 AM

wow i really liked this one very good flow and great choice of words! welcome to pip hope to see more from you.

hi my name is robin and i am addicted to poetry and men!
"and we'll all float on ok....." - modest mouse
aim - reklesabandnrckr
groove on sista!

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