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Dreams of a Vet
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Dreams of a Vet |
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Poetic Concept Member
since 2006-06-25
Posts 66God's Fingerprint |
This is one of my longer poems...but I like it...so here...Critism is welcome, just give why...and how I should change This picture is my inspiration: http://images.art.com/images/-/Lee-Teter/Vietnam-Reflections--C10087829.jpeg Thirsty, somnolent, in foreign territory I lay, …Derelict, Death suppresses my soul, …Greed; holds him back, For he has had his opportunity… Anguish dripping, exposing emotional wounds, …Lineage twined, divulged insecurities, …Revealed, my kindred’s loathing Ancestries pain, derogation, and abuse, …Left forsaken… Lifelessly erect, sporadically declining hope; As my thoughts strangle me… Decaying soul, departing, without consent; …Sorrowful, desolate I stand; unwillingly slumber For I am besieged by deserted souls… Unceasingly haunting my reveries… Averse to their invasion, Reluctantly yielding to their unceasing efforts I sleep…serenely so…I rest Hollowed bodied; soul devoid of I am; Losing senses; abolished by GOD himself Lifelessly descending; without brace to hell Endlessly plummeting to the depths of my soul I see myself… …Through suicidal visions, lingering, waiting Overwhelmed, with pain no man could bear Descending; infinitely to misery; For my origins failures; I will suffer Pierced by Grim’s Scythe …Through the deserts of Hell … I trek; forlorn, bleak legacy remains As time escapes my wounds… …Soaking, sharing my past …With lost souls… Trapped within the grains of sand… …Manically I wake… Sweating, gasping for air, Solidifying my existence as genuine Beckoning vigorously, lacerating air As the damp air suffocates me… …Cold sweats, sentient wholly Conscience lingered, unwilling Reaper’s benign, benevolent, soul Placing me here unsurpassed Immortality granted, restricted Behind this granite glass…. I stare at myself… …Through this black mirror… Wishing to die… Forgotten Grandfather am I… [This message has been edited by Poetic Concept (06-26-2006 07:48 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 Howard Taylor - All Rights Reserved | |||
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bekahlekah45 Senior Member
since 2006-03-14
Posts 533 |
HOLY GOSH. Big words big words! haha my mind is a little wowed. i have noo idea how to comment this. it was very interesting thats for sure. trying to get all those words across in my mind. Nice write. you have talent |
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The Shadow in Blue Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 493EL, Michigan |
Woah...now that is very dark and moody...I liked it. I myself think that some of the word choice in the first stanza flew over my head, but I'd have to agree with bekahlekah45 that you have some poetic chops. ^_^ Great first post and welcome to P.I.P.! |
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Poetic Concept Member
since 2006-06-25
Posts 66God's Fingerprint |
Thx yall I appreciate it...I think this was my fourth poem I ever made one of my favorites "How vain it is to sit down and write when u have not stood up to live" |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Welcome to pip Poetic Concept! As a rule with myself I don’t criticize first posts… But as another rule I always find something IN the poems that I enjoy, and in this one I’d have to say it would be the first stanza. It’s different but I liked it because it was yet the imagery is rather dark in this almost like something you don’t want to see. I thought that you did a brilliant job on this poem! I’m also amazed that this was your fourth poem you’ve written because it’s very good. And no offence to others, but usually first poems are big flops, I know that mine were… Although, I’m going to break my rule and say something… The “big” words you use in this are a little hard for people to understand, I think that sometimes the reader gets so caught up in trying to understand the words that they miss the point of the poem. The “story” line you could say. I admit that those “big” words make the poem even more interesting than without, but sometimes it’s easier if you just speak in “plain” talk that everyone can understand. No offence, it’s just something I felt I should mention because of the other posted replies… Anyway, I hope to see more of your poems in the near future. From what I can tell on one post you look to be an amazing writer and I look forward to seeing what you can do  @-->--- |
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Poetic Concept Member
since 2006-06-25
Posts 66God's Fingerprint |
thx first second or twentieth I always look forward to critism, and believe me this is only a glimpse at my vocab u will be critising some of my more advanced poems soon so I hope u got your dictionary ready...and stop thinking literally cause I am all about indecisive poems that help me recieve varying opinions. thx for the feed I will always respond to anyone that responds to me so thx I will be looking forward in seeing more of youlls work. thx "How vain it is to sit down and write when u have not stood up to live" |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Poetic concept, Are you insinuating I will need a dictionary because I’m to stupid to understand your vocabulary? @-->--- |
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Poetic Concept Member
since 2006-06-25
Posts 66God's Fingerprint |
Never would I ever discredit anyone because of their vocabulary. I am just saying they only get more difficult (my poetry) no offense to u or anyone else...I apologize if I lead u on to believe I was critising your literary abilities at all "How vain it is to sit down and write when u have not stood up to live" |
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latteaddict213
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523Colorado |
Geez Stargal, being a bit sensitive huh? LOL. Normaly I don't read or like this sort of poem, but this was...nice. Definatly different for my taste but I still liked it. I agree with every one else, big big words. I'll be ready for your next poem with a big ol' dictionary on my lap. I like how it's a dream and how the person wakes up. The endings different too. In a good way of course. I look forward to reading more. Nice. Jessica |
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Ringo
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes |
Welcome to Passions!!!!!!!  This is an outstanding first post, and I look forward to reading more of your thoughts. font> "... the rest is silence" from the song The Flesh Failures www.myspace.com/mindlesspoet |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Yeah,I'm just "a bit" sensitive tonight, been one of those days... Thanks fer da apology poetic concept, i'm afraid i owe you one also. I shouldn't take my anger out on you and since i did i am sorry, i must sound like a complete fool to you. I hope there's no hard feelings @-->--- |
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Poetic Concept Member
since 2006-06-25
Posts 66God's Fingerprint |
Not at all thx for the responses I appreciate it...and I should be able to post at least three times a week...(not all my poems are difficult)...lol Yes I accept your apology, it means alot when a person can apologize without regret...thx "How vain it is to sit down and write when u have not stood up to live" |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
i loved it although yes big words but it was cool had to learn a lot of new words heehee. 0 posted 06-25-2006 03:42 PM Inappropriate content? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is one of my longer poems...but I like it...so here...Critism is welcome, just give why...and how I should change Thirsty, somnolent, in foreign territory I lay, …Derelict, Death suppresses my soul, …Greed; holds him back, For he has had his opportunity… Anguish dripping, exposing emotional wounds, …Lineage twined, divulged insecurities, …Revealed, my kindred’s loathing Ancestries pain, derogation, and abuse, …Left forsaken… Lifelessly erect, sporadically declining hope; As my thoughts strangle me… Decaying soul, departing, without consent; …Sorrowful, desolate I stand; unwillingly slumber For I am besieged by deserted souls… Unceasingly haunting my reveries… Averse to their invasion, Reluctantly yielding to their unceasing efforts i really liked that part the flow was amazing and it was very explanitory..... hope to read more posts from you soon..... ~hunnie~ A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
PC~ I enjoyed reading (and learning) from your penning~ When one can send me scrambling for the dictionary ... I learn ... I like that~ Thanks for sharing and WELCOME to PiP ! *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~ |
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rebel~angel Member
since 2006-06-20
Posts 71Iowa USA |
Yeah... big words! But this is an amazing poem, even if I do need a dictionary. I don't completely understand it, but just the way it was written makes me love it. Remember:Tuck your chin, you're going to get hurt, so expect it and be ready. You might as well see it coming. |
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Fuschia Junior Member
since 2006-06-19
Posts 35England |
This poem really is fantastic. I like the way you created the mood and atmosphere. You are a very talented writer, a lot of complicated words but if that's your style, go for it! I wish i had that kind of vocabulary.  xxFuschiaxx |
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spaz02 Member
since 2005-06-28
Posts 74USA |
this poem is deep....i hope i can b as good someday..keep it up! Where'd ya go, I miss ya so, seems like its been forever since you've been gone. |
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Poetic Concept Member
since 2006-06-25
Posts 66God's Fingerprint |
Thx you all for your compliments and regards everything you all tell me helps me grow, I have been writing for almost a year now but I write everyday, I dont know this was one of my first vent poems relating a picture I seen that just sparked an inspiration. "How vain it is to sit down and write when u have not stood up to live" |
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