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Teen Poetry #7
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Do you...?
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Do you...? |
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pen&paper Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513
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there are some things I don’t understand but maybe this time I should take a chance do you think you could believe in what we could be do you think you could see the me that I see I see you at school I see you look at me are you just another crush? or could this be something else? You already know What I feel about you But I want to know what you think of me Is it possible that you actually see me? Do you see me? Do you know I exist? Do you want to be What we could be? |
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| © Copyright 2006 Cierra L. Robbeloth - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
that was good although i think i may have seen better by you, but i really liked the last stanza, Do you see me? Do you know I exist? Do you want to be What we could be? |
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Fuschia Junior Member
since 2006-06-19
Posts 35England |
This was a very good poem and we have all felt like this at some stage. I agree with rhia_5779. I really liked the last stanza. |
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tapper798 Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 353My own world |
While I liked the concept, the rhyming was somewhat repetitive with "be" and "see". You might try and change up a couple cause it gets hard to read with it being so short stanzas and the same verbs. Other than that I loved the message and I know many can relate. Keep it up! AIM-blueyed angel940 |
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latteaddict213
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523Colorado |
Okay. It was alright but I've made some comments. "There are some things I don’t understand But maybe this time I should take a chance" I loved this stanza. It doesn't rhyme, flow or anything but I just like it. "Do you think you could believe in What we could be? Do you think you could see The me that I see?" This one is fine. To me the first line is a bit long, but whatever. "I see you at school I see you look at me Are you just another crush? Or could this be something else?" This doesn't rhyme and to me doesn't flow. I know that all poems don't have to rhyme, maybe this one should. "You already know What I feel about you But I want to know What you think of me Is it possible that you actually see me? The 'What' in 'What I feel about you' maybe should be a 'How' and this stanza has one more line than the rest of the stanzas. Just tellin' ya. "Do you see me? Do you know I exist? Do you want to be What we could be?" This flows well. I like how it ends with a question. Kinda gives the reader something to thing about after it's all over. Nice write. Jessica |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Okay, well I felt like the poem was off in the flow. I mean some of the stanzas rhymed and than some of them didn’t, which throws the whole thing off! Or, at least for me it does, I prefer to see it rhyme or not rhyme, no half and half stuff… Other than that, most of what I would’ve said has already been said. This isn’t one of my favorites by you but I didn’t hate it. I just thought it needed a little bit more work done on it. I did like the first stanza though! It was considering throwing caution to the wind and heading on out, very cool  @-->--- |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
i liked it..... but i agree with tapper798, the rhyming with see and be did sound a little off..... but we all know that feeling of a crush. good job *hunnie* A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your |
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