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Teen Poetry #7
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no title......
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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no title...... |
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buttercupbaby Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 400outside in the rain 
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walking in the sand drifting into another world forgetting everything except for your last words i wasn't there with you when you passed away but i know somehow what you wanted to say you wanted to tell me how much you cared and you'd never forget me even way up there but i wasn't with you i wasn't strong enough i didn't want to watch you leave the ones you loved I always question why it had to be you who had to leave why not me? i should be the one to go because i failed so many times i let you down couldn't find my way back on to the straight and narrow somehow you knew but you didn't scold just held me in your arms told me your hands were mine,only, to hold but no matter what i always strayed seeing you each time i left dying slowly drifting away still i kept doing what i knew was wrong going off with another guy just because i never felt like i was good enough i wasn't there with you when you passed away but i know somehow what you wanted to say you wanted to tell me, you loved me, again.. not like you didn't tell me every single day i don't understand how you could love me that much i acted so stupid but you understood you understood i was afraid you'd also be taken away because of that i let you die every time i go to sleep i know you'd be alive if i was there with you where i should've been you wouldn't have gotten hit in a car "accident" coming to find me where you knew i'd be im such a hypocrite yet, even as you died your last words, still were "you'll always be the only girl my hands, my heart, is your's only i only wish i could've shown you a little more how much you meant to me" you couldn't have shown me any better please believe me when i say, sitting here, trying to tell you, looking up to heaven i really did love you. and i'm sorry. [This message has been edited by buttercupbaby (06-04-2006 04:27 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 Marisa F - All Rights Reserved | |||
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forever*wishing Member
since 2006-05-29
Posts 178where my heart is |
awww....its beautiful... ~L |
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forever*wishing Member
since 2006-05-29
Posts 178where my heart is |
and REALLY sad...but its also REALLY good! = ) ~L |
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
I agree.. this is beautiful and sad.. I do believe that as a poem.. in itself.. it could be a little more structured.. kinda confusing to read in a couple places.. (pace, rythm) other than that.. this as far as emotion, talent, and writing goes.. it was amazing. I loved it.. ~Heather Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Wow! Talk about a tear wringer… I guess the only thing I would do would be adding stanzas, it’s a little confusing to read in the form it’s in, and a little long to read it like that. I know I kept losing my place cause I’d try to think about what I just read and than I’d be lost! So, that’s just an idea… I liked this one a lot, maybe one of my favorites by you, I loved the story in this, it was brilliant  Stargal PS - You don't need to add the "please read" in the title, sometimes that can be a thing that makes people NOT want to read it... @-->--- |
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buttercupbaby Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 400outside in the rain |
thanks heather & stargal for the critique..much appriciated. thanks for the comments y'all...glad you liked it ~missy |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
It was really good , could see it happening as i read it, and could relate. That is one of the better poems i have read of yours, i think. I kinda agree with them a little hard to read, you could break parts of it up a little, some lines here others spaced out. |
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buttercupbaby Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 400outside in the rain |
thanks, i was just sort of writing it out, and couldn't think of a way to split it up....ill try ~missy |
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Frank W. Torres Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 133 |
I realize that deep intorspection went into this work. However, I am just wondering why you gave it no title? |
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buttercupbaby Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 400outside in the rain |
i couldn't think of one that would work...or that i liked..?im not really sure.. -missy |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
i just read this again as i was scrolling down, it is amazing, i was blown away.i can kinda relate in a way, so ya. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
actually earlier when i first saw this i thought it need stanzas, now that i am looking back, i think it is amazing without. the way it seems you put it toghether it is fine close together the way it is. |
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Fuschia Junior Member
since 2006-06-19
Posts 35England |
I think this is a fantastic poem. Beautifuly written but very sad. I could really feel the emotions you portray so well whilst i read the poem.  xxFuschiaxx |
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latteaddict213
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523Colorado |
I normaly would say that it needs stanzas. but this really doesn't need them. It's great the way it is. A title would be good for this. Hhmmmmmmm. I can't think of one. Very nice write. Jessica |
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buttercupbaby Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 400outside in the rain |
thank you vera much y'all.. i honestly didn't know what to name this, but, i guess i could've just named it the person's name, but i can't go back and edit anymore y'all, im so sorry! |
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buttercupbaby Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 400outside in the rain |
wow, i just read this for the first time! i wrote it on my computer but didn't ever actually read this through.. i wish i had read it before and taken some stuff out=/ i hope y'all know that i was once a little bit off key i suppose, but im alot different now, and please don't think im a bad person or something..? -missy |
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