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stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

0 posted 2006-05-30 09:43 PM

It’s a different way of feeling
What I felt before
It’s a different way of seeing
What I saw last night

When I woke up in the morning
And see that you’re still there
I just stare
Cause I thought you'd be gone
I thought you were leaving

I didn't realize how much you really care
In the morning light of day, you didn't walk away
My heart longs to know what you’re feeling now
Is this feeling mutual for me and you, do you love me too
I’ve loved you so long but I took the risk last night
But it's more than a night
I see that now inside your eyes
More than a night, cause you didn't have to stay today,
But... you still did

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know it is set up kind of funky but i'm experimenting in italics right now

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SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2006-05-30 09:57 PM

I think you did good with the italics

I think you did good with the emotions expressed here...

very nicely done!

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

2 posted 2006-05-30 10:41 PM

Thanks SEA, I'm glad you, umm, liked it?

As I re-read this post I realize how empty it sounds, how stupid it is, and how much it jumps around. I believe this is the worst one I've ever posted...

Glad you liked it though, I think i'm going to go back and rewrite most of it though.

Thanks for the reply

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latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

3 posted 2006-05-31 07:32 PM

Yeah Stargal. It IS the worst poem you have ever writen. It doesn't flow and it has no structure. I'm dissapointed! Your poems used to be my favorite. Not any more. I have to say that this sucked Stargal.(there. good enough?)LOL. Its not that bad. ATTENTION!!!!eVERY ONE ON PIPTALK!!! YOU NEED TO STOP SAYING JUST GREAT JOB OR NICE WRITE!!!!MAKE YOUR REPLIES LONG!!!!!BASH PEOPLES POEMS IF YOU WANT TO JUST STOP BEING SO NICE!!!!!!!!!!

Jessica

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

4 posted 2006-05-31 07:37 PM

LOL! Go Jessica! Try waking up these people

No, seriously everyone, i do enjoy when people "bash" my poetry, it helps me to learn more about what i need to be doing. If you really hate it, tell me, don't suger coat it...

Thanks for the interesting post Jessica, much appreciated

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bekahlekah45
Senior Member

since 2006-03-14

Posts 533

5 posted 2006-05-31 10:28 PM

I like it. Not a normal work from u. but i like it...i mean...i like the thoughts your expressing because i can relate. does that make sense...???

latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

6 posted 2006-06-01 01:07 AM

getting better.lol

buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

7 posted 2006-06-01 12:07 PM

{im going to try not to "sugar coat" it..lol}

well, the last stanza has a lot more emotion, i think...I don't really get the first stanza...it's good, but it just doesn't fit as well with the other lines of the poem..It goes, in an odd way, but it would sound a little bit better without it...i think.

ok, but i really do like the other stanzas!!they're great...=)

~missy

Sweetpali08
Junior Member

since 2006-05-07

Posts 40

8 posted 2006-06-01 07:14 PM

This is amazing......
Sometimes people come and we think that they might leave but in reality they may end up to be the most loved and closest people to our hearts.....

Keeep up the amazing work

"How are they the VICTIMS if they are the OCCUPIERS?!"
~Paradise now

Junebug
Junior Member

since 2006-04-23

Posts 40
earth

9 posted 2006-06-05 12:35 PM

hey....uh its.....ok....uh well i like the words n all..ya know?? but it doesnt flow very well and like....kinda hard to undersand for me...but ya you said you were gonna rewrite it so i'm sure it'll be all good lol! but ya....

<333~Me

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

10 posted 2006-06-18 02:18 AM

i really liked this. first poem i've read by you so far. but i couldd kida relate to the words. i think the flow was a little off but overall it was good
~hunnie~

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your
heart.

Frank W. Torres
Member

since 2006-06-10

Posts 133

11 posted 2006-06-18 09:04 AM

Real Sweet weite.

WaterFairy103
Member

since 2006-05-31

Posts 196

12 posted 2006-06-18 03:59 PM

I thought the metallics worked out wonderfully. Excellent job!

When I stopped trying to find the right guy, and concentrated on being the right girl, the right guy found me.

Digital_Hell
Member

since 2006-06-05

Posts 202
Amidst black roses

13 posted 2006-07-05 05:44 PM

I enjoyed the expressed emotions, and found it a pleasant read.

But i must critiseze the flow, i feel it does not flow nicely from one line to the next and that this can be improved upon.

But most enjoyable

hells gate reads Abandon hope all ye that enter here
shall we go?
the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Will you walk with me?

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

14 posted 2006-07-09 11:44 AM

I must agree with what everyone else said. The flow was horrible and the tenses were all wrong!!! This could use a lot of improvments...

Thanks fer posting everyone, much appreciated

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