Suicidal heart - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

forever*wishing
Member

since 2006-05-29

Posts 178
where my heart is

0 posted 2006-05-30 08:37 PM

(kinda gets repetitive...= P oh well)
I see you standing over there,
With a tear falling to the floor,
You ask what is there to live for,
With a suicidal heart?

Never knowing when it’ll be the end,
Never knowing what to spend,
Never glimpsing at the light,
In the dark you’ll always hide.

What is there to live for,
When your heart would rather die?
When your heart has no room for more?
When your heart will give up the fight?

When you have a suicidal heart,
What do you have to live for,
When your life is too hard?
When what everyone ignores
Is a suicidal heart?

~L

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

1 posted 2006-05-30 09:29 PM

Well, it does get a little bit repetitive, but nothing really terrible.
I noticed it most in the last two stanzas, but on the second to last I think you can get by with it, without sounding to repetitive. On the last stanza, well, it kind of goes back and repeats everyone in the first three stanzas, so I’m not sure I like it as well.

I did like the overall structure of the poem, like the stanzas. Although, I’m not sure if you were trying for four lines per stanza, but on the last stanza you have five? Not like it’s any big deal…

I really enjoyed the second stanza, mostly I believe because of these last two lines,

“never glimpsing at the light,
in the dark you’ll always hide.”

I really enjoyed that part, cause, it’s really true that people do that. For me it’s a reminder that me, myself, and I, will do that at times…

Great write on this one though, I enjoyed reading/critiquing it

@-->---

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

2 posted 2006-05-30 09:31 PM

you know what? That is just cool...a suicidal heart...I mean, not really, cause wouldn't that be scary?...'my heart is depressed i have to be careful, he might just decide to stop'

but the metaphor of a suicidal heart, it just works in this poem...I liked it..

forever*wishing
Member

since 2006-05-29

Posts 178
where my heart is

3 posted 2006-05-30 11:38 PM

wow...i wrote this a LOOOOONG time ago...i can't believe i still had it saved on my computer! i found it, so i decided to put it up...

~L

buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

4 posted 2006-05-31 12:38 PM

nice....it does have a cool sound...suicidal heart..neat

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.