She is back to take you from me

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drowningmonky
Junior Member

since 2006-03-02

Posts 14
miami, florida

0 posted 2006-05-05 02:20 AM

For a moment there i thought everything was alright
then you mentioned her name
and now my world is falling apart.

Doubts drift into my head,
you once said she was your biggest love
she made you bleed and you carry her memory scarred into your arm.
I thought she was long gone,far away.
but she is back and I fear you will fall in love with her again.

I try to convince myself that everything will be ok
but then when you say her name its as if i was shredding in tiny pieces,
being pushed farther away.
I dont want to lose you
but its no longer my choice
I hope she wont break us apart
im just storing all my tears inside
It simply not my time to cry
Ill save them from some other time.

Now ill just wonder away...
Why do things have to be this way.
everything beautiful is fading away.
covered in fears i lie here.
and i simply cant win
i cant compare to her
and i could never give you as much
Im just a poor young fool
being enslaved to the jelousy in love.

[This message has been edited by drowningmonky (05-07-2006 02:22 PM).]

intention
Member

since 2005-11-13

Posts 59
New Delhi, INDIA

1 posted 2006-05-05 12:11 PM

too good... its said tht the worst part of life is when u r in love with a person and u see that person falling in love with some one else....

Love me for who i m

pullingxthextrigger
Member

since 2006-05-01

Posts 133
MA,..USA llx

2 posted 2006-05-05 07:06 PM

very nice! i enjoyed reading the poem but maybe on the last stanza you can break it up to even smaller stanzas? just a suggestion- keep up the great work!

~nora<3
p.s--if i havent already said it-welcome to pip!

your pulling the trigger, pulling the trigger all wrong </3 llx - P!ATD!

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

3 posted 2006-05-06 12:31 PM

Hey drowningmonkey,

Like Nora said, maybe you could break down the last stanza, it’d make things a little easier to read, I know I kept losing my place and re-reading stuffs…
Not that, that is bad, just frustrating at times.

Very nice poem though, I know what you mean, is very hard watching the person you love fall in love with someone else, or return to someone who isn’t good for them, who hurt them before…

I love the first stanza on this, the lines are very bitter sweet, and I really enjoy that, it captures you into the poem, makes you want to read more.

The only thing is that you have a few grammar/spelling errors that you might want to fix, I’m not sure if I’ve said this to you before or not, but I personally use Microsoft Word to fix all my little errors like that, so if you have some sort of spell checker, you might want to do that.

Anyway, loved this poem, and I hope to see more from you soon.
Keep up the good writes

@-->---

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

4 posted 2006-05-06 03:18 PM

I agree with everyone on here.. they said it all..

I loved this poem.. the first stanza kinda drug me in and then the rest was very interesting.. I know how this is.. i'm kinda going through this feeling now.. but it's kinda like.. i'm in denial.. i guess you could say. I just don't want to lose what i have to someone else..

This was a great write by you.. Keep it up..

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

poise_and_rationality
Junior Member

since 2006-05-06

Posts 46
my mind

5 posted 2006-05-06 03:38 PM

i kinda agree with heather excellent write keep it up
x

house of compusure where is your posture?

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