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the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

0 posted 2006-04-25 10:29 PM

(This poem started in Algebra class and finished at home.. it is a little different than what I usually write like.. i hope you like it.)

Walking in your sleep,
sleeping while you walk.
Noise when it's quiet,
silence when you talk.

Crying is a joy,
laughter is a pain.
Your trust is all BUT worthy,
and lyings not a shame.

Loving all your enemies,
hating all your friends.
Questioning advice,
determined for an end.

Living in a dream,
while dreaming of his smile.
Forgetting that reality
has made this all worth while.

Sleeping all day long,
staying up all night.
Learning what you know,
knowing it's not right.

Learning from temptations,
education at its best.
The experience isn't necessary
for them to see you like the rest.

Playing when you're serious,
and serious when you play.
The sun shines through the darkness
and the moon brings up the day.

Breathing under water,
holding your breath above.
Love to say you hate him,
Hate to say it's love.

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

1 posted 2006-04-25 10:44 PM

Umm, you are right on this being a lot different than what you write... I can't really offer an opinion right now, i have to think about it some more, but i think i like it. I like the flow at least, it was really neat, it just all went together... the flow did i mean.. lol :S

I'm not sure what i think about the ending, i mean i like it, but it's almost like it needs something more? but than i think it doesn't, it's just like... a slow down towards the end? i'm not making any sense... i'm going to have to read this some more before i can really tell you what i think...

i think i like it though!

Sorry, this wasn't much help

@-->---

CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa
Member

since 2003-07-16

Posts 248

2 posted 2006-04-25 10:52 PM

Heather, I've always thought you were a great poet, very talented and amazingly similar to myself(not to sound conceited, because that's not who I meant) But in any case, this poem completely flew above any expectations that I could have for any poem, ever, and in saying that, I'm including poets like Lehman, Frost, Eliot and Dickinson. This was so much a poem I could relate to, and it was perfectly executed. The only POSSIBLE problem I had with this was the flow of this stanza

Laughing about tears cried,
crying about the wrong you've done,
and still wondering how it can be,
a beginning and an end all in one.

I think that if you took out/changed a few words here, it would flow a tiny, tiny, tiny bit more easily. In any case, that was the ONLY flaw I could find in this, and its not major.
Heather, this was Fantastic, a work that I absolutely needed to read. I cannot believe I'm the first to comment this. Well done, this is going to have its own shrine in my library.

Thanks for sharing Heather,
<3keryn

When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
Mae West

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

3 posted 2006-04-25 10:58 PM

Stargal... thanks for you comment.. I wrote this kind of expecting only 1/2 of people to understand but that's ok.. you can think about it lol.. but thank you for taking time to read it..

keryn... thank you so much.. My friend amber said this was one of the best poems I've written in a long time.. and I know that that stanza doesn't go very well with the rest and flow but I put it in any way.. It was originally like an ending but I switched it with the other.. I think I'm either gonna try to change it or take it out.. Thank you so much.. poetry is my life.. my passion.. and to hear that I can actually write means a lot to me.. because I always thought that you could write so well.. and I still do.. I have you as a poet in my library.. but when YOU told me I could write I was very grateful.. thank you so much..

Thanks to any further comments also..

Thanks guys..

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

Junebug
Junior Member

since 2006-04-23

Posts 40
earth

4 posted 2006-04-25 11:50 PM

ok like omg this poem totally rocks! like completely! i'm totaly in love with this poem! i'm adding it to my library!

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

5 posted 2006-04-26 05:23 PM

hey june bug.. thanks for your comment.. this is my new favorite poem of mine..

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

aliway
Member

since 2006-03-05

Posts 185
With in your eyes

6 posted 2006-04-27 09:23 AM

I think it was great. Really cool.

*leah

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

7 posted 2006-04-27 09:40 AM

Heather,

This was a very well written piece that I completely enjoyed. The meaning behind it is superb in it's obscurity.

The only thing I saw that bothered me a tiny bit was the change in pronouns..you use "you and your" as if you are speaking to him then change to "his" as if you are speaking to another about him...and maybe this was meant to be done..

I don't usually read much in teen but the title pulled me in...

very good stuff here....

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

8 posted 2006-04-27 08:05 PM

Susan.. I see what you mean about you and your and his... but the way I wrote this poem.. It like I was talking to someone else.. when I said.. "silence when you talk" and "love to say you hate him" I was talking to someone else about it.. like giving them advice but telling them that there was no where to go from there.. you see? I hoped I helped.. it's like I was talking to you about your guy... maybe that's a good way to put it.. maybe you should read it and pretend i'm just saying that to you...

thanks for your comment..

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

sins_and_tragedies
Junior Member

since 2006-04-26

Posts 41
england

9 posted 2006-05-01 06:59 AM

i really like this poem its definatly going to my library if thats okay//
-danielle
x

is good to face this things with a sense of poise and rationality

pullingxthextrigger
Member

since 2006-05-01

Posts 133
MA,..USA llx

10 posted 2006-05-01 08:03 PM

ahhh!!! i luv this poem to death--deff going to my library. By the way, i cant believe u did this in algebra class...shame on you!!! not listening to ur teacher...tsk tsk haha just kidding its amazing how you did this during algebra, i dont know if u like algebra but I HATE IT and it would be impossiable to do this during that crazy class....anyways AWESOME POEM!!!! MY FAVE!!! keep it up

p.s > i like these kind of poems

CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa
Member

since 2003-07-16

Posts 248

11 posted 2006-05-01 08:09 PM

Heather, you really made my day with that reply(to my message, on your poem...lol, I'm keeping track of you) haaha...today sucked.

Anywho, I still <3 this poem, and you're awesome.

<3kerR

p.s. if I ever get aim back(long story, it should be back up by tues or wed) hit me up there, i never check my email Hockeyangel88

When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
Mae West

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius

since 2000-10-09

Posts 13989

12 posted 2006-05-13 05:25 PM

Heather, I thought this was very well written and I had no problem with the flow, it sounded good when I read it aloud.
I rarely read in teen, (mostly post in open) but definately think this is good.
A

seek the flame within yourself
and let your soul be cleansed by
the fire of love. Axel Ekenstierna

Fabiani
Member

since 2006-05-12

Posts 123
Mesa, Az

13 posted 2006-05-13 05:41 PM

i like this its dark its my stlye of poetry i dont kno why always has been

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